Are You Still in Survival Mode?
Posted by Robin Easton
Awhile ago I did a post that asked: “Who Are You?” In that post I happen to make this comment: “I’ve known my sweetheart for almost twelve years and every day I learn something new about him. It makes life exciting and I feel it’s a sign of great vitality, a bit like Life, which is forever changing and unfolding, anew.” I am grateful to Lisleman (one of my blogging friends); as a result of my comment he asked a very earnest question, which made me stop and think. He wrote: “I just wanted to ask – your sweetheart comment – the new thing you learn everyday, it’s not always positive is it?” This was my reply. (I’ve edited it for easier reading and have expanded on my comment.) I thank you, Lisleman, for inspiring me to respond.
I have to say that it’s ALWAYS positive. Even if my sweetheart reveals something with pain attached to it I feel very honored because he trusts me enough to open up and share with ME. It’s a gift of the heart. This makes me think of the child who tells his parents about something “good” that he’s done and the parents happily praise him, and they should. But when the same child tells his parents something that might upset them, something the child feels he did “wrong” — but he STILL dares to tell his parents about it.” then that needs to be recognized and honored. It’s a gift. It’s someone having the courage to share (what we perceive as) the “bad or negative” things. Not that the parents can’t talk about the mistake and explore why the child did it or even set consequences, they can. But they also must acknowledge and honor their child because he trusted them enough to share his “wrong doings” and mistakes.
Most of us, child or adult, don’t like holding things in. It’s human nature to want to unburden ourselves. Who wants to carry around some horrible dark secret? And yet we all do it. Why? I believe that many adults fear sharing the truth because too often as a child we were “beaten” emotionally, verbally or physically when we told the truth. We soon learned that lying was safer, easier and less painful. It’s a survival mechanism, but one we can unlearn. Although it originally may have kept body and soul alive, we reach a point where we no longer need to hide our humanity. That does not mean we have to go around telling the whole world every little mistake or painful deed we committed, but I think for me it does mean that I will not hide from those closest to me. I will stand and claim my humanity and make room for others do likewise, without judgment. That includes our mistakes and failings.
We educate others through our actions. When we set ourselves free we set those around us free. When we hide our humanity we rob ourselves and others of an opportunity to grow. It is an opportunity to fully explore all of our stories, all the facets of who we are and what makes us human. We open the door to the robust journey that Life offers. Hiding our humanity does not makes us more perfect. We already are perfect. Some may ask: “Should every secret be told?” I can’t answer that. We each must look in our hearts and decide whether we lie to ourselves out of fear or do we withhold something to lovingly protect another. Only you have the answer to that question. But I can encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself and authentic with others.
One last insight I shared with Lisleman was that we humans often want to mold people, to make them behave, respond and fit into our own needs, as if we own the other person, as if the other person (child, spouse or friend) were here on Earth to meet our demands. They are not. They are their own magical being. They are a free soul, independent of us, here on Earth for their own unfolding and unique purpose. When we are free in ourselves we can let others share their full humanity, mistakes and all. It doesn’t mean we have to let people walk all over us, abuse us, neglect us and so forth. It just means that we can speak our truth, live it, and let others do the same without being threatened by it. Our personal relationships become rewarding journeys of growth, a great discovery of both self and other. There is a whole world in that person you live with, that child you raise, that friend you visit. Life is full of magic laid at our doorstep. How brave dare you be?
I highly recommend an insightful post by my friend Jonathan Wells of Advanced Life Skills. This post is titled: Where Does Disappointment Come From (Click title) Jonathan takes a liberating look at expectations and how they are connected to our disappointments, an excellent read.
In Love,
Robin
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This Site: © Robin Easton
Website: http://www.nakedineden.com
Blog: http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/
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20 Comments so far...
Shirley Says:
4 June 2009 at 10:22 am.
The only time I hold secrets is when someone tells me to. In situations that directly affect me on the other hand. I don’t keep my mouth shut. I spoke to others about the abuse in my household and no one would listen. People seem to only listen when it’s something they want to hear. I think that’s part of the reason I like blogging no one can tell me to shut up.
Am I still in survival mode? Unfortunately, yes. I don’t like people coming up from behind me. I get jumpy and nervous. I don’t like noise unless it’s nature. Loud noises freak me out a little. Funny, up until you posed the question I never thought about it much.
Robin Replies
Dear Shirley, When a friend shares a confidence I too am strict about keeping it private and not sharing it. I hold that sharing sacred. —I think you have been exceedingly brave about not carrying other people’s pain and about sharing your life in hopes that others will no longer hide. No one should carry another person’s shame, especially in cases of abuse. —In some cases it is not other people’s reaction we fear, but rather the emotions that can arise when we look honestly at the things we hide. You have been exceptionally brave in this respect, on every level. I am very proud of you for this. I’m just proud of you period.
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Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills Says:
4 June 2009 at 10:57 am.
Hi Robin, you made some wonderful points here that I really appreciate. It’s a narrow minded, selfish point of reference to think that anyone else was put here to meet our demands and live up to our expectations. This kind of mindset grows out of a sense of insecurity and self-doubt, which sadly we are all capable of. When we stop judging, expecting, and demanding, we do ourselves, and those around us, a great service. The result, life opens up and compassion blossoms. My advice to those who need some help in this area is simply this: Let go and grow! Thanks for this fantastic article and the link love.
Robin Replies
Dear Jonathan, I’m laughing because what took me a whole long article to write you said in 4 – 5 lines. 
I like how you said “compassion blossoms”. That really is what happens and I find great peace in this. That same compassion that we develop for others then spills over onto ourselves and we are gentler with our own failings. It’s a win/win situation. I also like your comment: Let go and grow. It is so much easier to let go than to be constantly hanging on. To let go is the natural flow of life. —Thank you for your kind encouraging words.
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Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC Says:
4 June 2009 at 12:17 pm.
Lovely, lovely post, as always. As a counselor and life coach I am always honored when people feel safe enough to tell me there deepest darkest truths. This past week I have been blessed with not one but two clients who came back upset about something I said during their previous session and we were able to talk about it and understand each other even more. To me that means I have created such a relationship with my counseling clients that they can confront me as well. And thus I learn more and more about myself everyday too. Even better. Many humans do try to mold others into something else, it just doesn’t work out so well, usually. I love your statement “It is much easier to let go than constantly hanging on. To let go is the natural flow of life.” That’s how mother nature does it every day!
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Stephen - Rat Race Trap Says:
4 June 2009 at 6:29 pm.
Robin, this was wonderful! I really enjoyed this part because you are so right on with it!
“They are their own magical being. They are a free soul, independent of us, here on Earth for their own unfolding and unique purpose. When we are free in ourselves we can let others share their full humanity, mistakes and all.”
It seems like the whole world is trying to control everyone else. I don’t understand that and never will. It’s not just in personal relationships either. We want to conquer others and rule them. If we don’t like something someone else is doing we want a law passed to stop them. When you control someone else and make them do what you want them to do, you are actually missing out on a bit of life as a result. All you control freaks out there need to hear the bad news: When the person you are controlling or trying to control does everything you want, you still will not be happy. If you try to control someone and think you are succeeding, you are not. They will or have already left, if not physically then at least mentally and spiritually. If you wonder why they sneak around and avoid you, it is because of how you make them feel when they are near you. You are refusing to let them be themselves. And we wonder why so many relationships end badly and why our families are so dysfunctional.
If people always did what I wanted them to do, the world would be a very boring place and I would never learn anything. Thank goodness most people don’t do what I think they should do
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Mike Foster Says:
4 June 2009 at 6:36 pm.
One of the most difficult lessons I had to learn early in life was when to open my mouth and when not to. I was raised in an environment that encouraged speaking up and out, but that is not always the best route to take in the “real” world. I feel that through the years I have managed to understand myself, and the “real” world, a bit better, and when I do open my mouth to share or vent or add or detract, I have at least allowed my brain to touch base with my mouth first…if only for a few seconds.
peace,
mike
livelife365
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LIara Covert Says:
4 June 2009 at 7:39 pm.
What you say is very true. When you are open to expanding self-awareness, you can also be willing to grow with and in parallel other people. You realize you love everyone on some level. It is a choice to be happy, to see the blessings available to you in every relationship and situation. Existence is a teacher on more levels than the mind registers right now. We learn precisely what we are meant to right now, nothing more or less. Its exactly right.
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ZuzannaM Says:
4 June 2009 at 7:42 pm.
DEDICATION
Courage is you…
She is courage’s woman
Each day welcomes a new day,
She welcomes truth, in her life,
Communicates openly with us~
When knowing her one feels,
As her heart is made of Gold,
From her words truth freely flows
She is Angelic woman not all know
The woman I know from the pages
A writer, educator and mentor
She puts words into actions,
Courage and openness guides her.
You might even know her
Reading this special words
Her uniqueness is dear to me
Zest for life never ceases to amaze
Thank you for the wise words of love
You share with us, your friends…
Your love for life and humanity
Standing tall with courage and dignity~
June-4-09
By Zuzanna Musial
Sharing love for life and truth~
With your readers and you…Thank you!
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Lance Says:
5 June 2009 at 3:24 am.
Hi Robin,
What a wonderful message to share! It’s all about being “real”. And I think that if we get to that spot where we’re comfortable in our own skin, where we’re okay being real and authentic – we are being so much truer to our core. And the other thing about this – is not only by not being real to do we hold stuff back from those who matter – we also can hold the truth back from ourselves. Hmm…maybe that’s the first place to start – by being honest with ourselves…
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Scout's Honor Says:
5 June 2009 at 10:27 am.
Loved this. I grew up lying.
To this day, I do a fair bit. I laugh through the pain. I am very often honest only with my husband. I don’t want to burden anyone with my pain.
That said, I have noticed the same pattern happening with my almost 13 year old. He is punished after telling the truth–a truth I did not like. Your post struck home. We want him to be honest so there’s the standard lying will only make it worse; lately, he’s gotten rather adept at lying– so very often that we don’t often discover the lies. Sigh. It’s such a hard thing to raise teenagers…
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Lea Says:
5 June 2009 at 12:06 pm.
I love listening to the real thoughts and feelings of others and sharing my own. The problem for me is, that I seldom get the opportunity. Often times the people around me are fixed in their perspectives and beliefs and are all too eager to take it upon themselves to try and bring me back in line with the “inside the box” type of thinking. I’ve also noticed that sometimes they misinterpret what I was communicating, even though I thought I was being clear in my communication.
The most stimulating conversations where everyone was able to speak their thoughts and feelings with confidence has been through acquaintances on the internet.
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Dragos Roua Says:
5 June 2009 at 12:53 pm.
Robin,
This is coming from the heart and is reaching another heart, that I can tell you . The shields we put on ourselves are not only marks of an abused childhood, but scars from past lives and difficult challenges. Our journey here is most of the time a pretext for solving those problems. Making them visible is the first step, as you said it. Just let go, and it will heal.
Thanks, I really enjoyed it
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Evita Says:
5 June 2009 at 2:11 pm.
Hello Robin
Well the only thing I can add to this is – ditto! I completely understand where you are coming from and how you feel. I have known my “sweetheart” for 5 years and although I am not sure if I learn something new everyday (but definitely most days) like you I say – it always is positive.
Markus and I live based on the principle that each of us are independent souls that should be able to be who and how they want to represent themselves – how they want to live. And we never put coniditons, restrictions or obligations on each other.
And what do we learn from it all – the biggest and best lessons in unconditional love. That is what we have decided to live out and it feels heavenly! Actually ever since I met him, I feel like I do live in Heaven and for that I am so, so, so very much grateful!
But it wasn’t by luck or by chance (I want to clarify for others) that we are the way we are. It was out of a mutual respect to allow the other to be themselves and a choice to always choose love!
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Julie Says:
6 June 2009 at 5:11 am.
Hi, Robin,
I adore this post! You’ve outlined a beautiful existence and I think this line shows the second pivotal point toward creating it: “…I feel very honored because he trusts me enough to open up and share with ME.” This outpouring of compassion is certainly the incubus for creating exactly the loving environment we all desire!
The first point, though, is the grounding within ourselves that is required. Unless we’ve found our own method for acquiring and retaining a peaceful and accepting, flowing center, we’ll continually find that all subsequent positions and methods will cause our equilibrium to see-saw. So, first is to find a stabilizing balance within and then we are able to give an outpouring of welcoming compassion to others, opening our hearts to them. They will feel it!! And they will respond; to varying degrees, of course, but respond they will. The more adept we are at recognizing even the minutest step towards us, the better we’ll be able to offer our love in ways the other will recognize.
That said, holding things in isn’t only a result of childhood trauma. There are many who have had exactly the opposite occur: an idyllic childhood that did not adequately prepare them for the harshness they’d encounter as adults. No matter the trigger, you are right: It’s like being in survival mode, and that’s only half living! “…we reach a point where we no longer need to hide our humanity.” This is true, so very true—at least I hope it is, for everyone! When we can “…stand and claim my humanity and make room for others do likewise, without judgment”, that’s when we begin to become the teachers you describe. It’s when LIFE truly begins!
Bless you, Robin. You show everyone how it is possible—THAT it’s possible and HOW it’s possible) to be held within a life filled with love! (Evita’s comment also demonstrates the truth that happily ever after IS possible.) What an inspiring post, one I hope reaches millions!
Love, Julie
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Robb Says:
7 June 2009 at 12:11 am.
Kia ora Wild Sister,
Tara and I have have just been faced with some rather huge decisions. Walking with Charlie in the Ruahines last weekend I finally realized after 16 years of marriage that I had stopped thinking about these things in terms of I or me, and watching my beautiful son climbing above me found that I had become WE.
I just think that is cool, and that, as usual, your posts dig deep into my own soul, and that is very cool as well. Rave on Wild Sister!
Aroha,
Robb
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starflight/marcel lemieux Says:
7 June 2009 at 12:37 am.
Hello Robin,
Life is sort of like a school.whatever we are to learn is unique to each of us.
One cannot add anything in a full cup, so no matter what we try, what we learn, it stay’s on the surface, emptying the cup..big move!…there is a time for changes and for the return home to self.
(tic-toc-tic-toc)
One day, you do it..you scream, you cry, you laugh and its hurts too and after a while, that could be days, months, years…you feel good, you feel your freedom, you feel your love.
The outside world will not change, because you made changes…
But with your new vision-version of life and the way you interact with others will surely surprise you more than once.
As for truth or knowledge its always evolving and there no rush, no deadline to meet.
(My own quote is remember who you are and where you are from)…
The rewards, the magic, the love will always be there when you need it….
Live and let live is not always an easy thing to integrate in one’s mind frame and to not judge… that’s even a bit harder, but when you put that into practice, you are discovering that every human being has his life and choices to live.
Should secrets be told.
Should truth be told, I think it depends who you are talking to and remember the power of words, remember respect….Kids can be a big challenge in that domain, I was a single parent for many years…they sure can flip you over sometimes…but you just do the best you can…in the long run…life is about experiences and emotions and love.
By the way I do like Advanced Life Skills, a cool blog …
p.s. My sweetheart for now is nature, music, work, laughter and many more things, just thought I put that in..Life is love….Peace
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Diane C. Says:
7 June 2009 at 8:46 am.
When I am radically honest about who I really am (no-one) there is no need to pretend, defend or prove anything. Mistakes happen and are noticed and dealt with if necessary, but not taken personally. In the absence of separation, unconditional love reveals itself. This is freedom.
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Dorothy Stahlnecker Says:
7 June 2009 at 9:33 am.
This is such a beautiful and peaceful site filled with life good and bad, however the intention of learning with every journey or adventure. I’ll click on the site of your friend because during this quiet time I’m hoping to fill my heart with more fuel to fire a joyful life.
Thanks so much for the insights…
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
A sometimes cranky yet loving wife, mother and grandmother….still learning
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Robin Easton Says:
8 June 2009 at 12:32 pm.
Thank you all for leaving such beautiful, honest and insightful comments. I am touched by every single one of them. Due to work this weekend I was unable to comment, which is a loss for me as I always learn so much about myself in responding to your comments. In fact, I learn more about self in responding than I do in writing the actual post. In part that happens because I allow myself the luxury of spontaneity and coming solely from my heart. But then I’ve been thinking with my heart for a very long time., so at this point it’s just who I am.
I know I’ve said this before, but I am simply heartened by the quality of souls that share on this page. You all are a testimony to the abundant goodness that exists in the world. No one could convince me otherwise. And no matter how many times you share here I am ALWAYS delighted and profoundly honored. Over and over and over. I’ve grown to love the souls that share with me. It is a sacred and treasured experience. Thank you from my heart, Robin.
PS Hopefully I will have more time to respond in my next post.
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Ophelia Rising Says:
9 June 2009 at 5:48 pm.
Robin, there are many lessons here that are pertinent to me. I must let go of so many things, and try to find the answers inside of me, as opposed to finding my happiness and expectations from another. I must let go of assumptions; that is, expecting to be fulfilled from a person, rather than from myself. If I am completely honest, I must say that I am likely hard on my husband, because I am unhappy in many different areas personally. I think I expect too much from him, and neglect to look inside my own heart, where a lot of my dissatisfaction comes from, and where secrets are kept and hidden away.
Honesty is finding a true place, free and full of sweet relief. I must look more intensely into my core, and weed out that which might be hurtful to me. Am I lying to myself? Am I living in a false reality? Can I sort out the muck and find what it is that lets me fall?
None of this probably makes any sense at all, but it helps to write about it, helps me to understand it, even if no one else does! Suffice to say, I must stop the finger-pointing, and look inside me, the true source of the problem. And try to be gentle with myself, in the meantime…
I love you, wild sister. xoxo
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soulMerlin Says:
12 June 2009 at 1:13 pm.
To me the most burdening thing one person can say to another, when they are in a relationship is
“I can’t live without you”
love
henry
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