Are Your Maps Holding You Back?
Posted by Robin Easton
Today I introduce a beautiful soul, Gail Brenner. I love both Gail and her work because her writing is always very warm, compassionate and honest. If you visit her blog A Flourishing Life and browse through her posts you will notice that she includes her own life stories, experiences and feelings in much of her writing. I very much admire Gail for this because it makes her more real to me. She also is deeply kind and exceedingly wise. In reading her words one senses that she moves through life not only very aware, but with her heart wide open and filled with joy. For Gail, living with Love is a way of life. Enjoy her article!
I keep going over the old map
but now the roads lead nowhere,
a meaningless wilderness
where life is dull and futile.
~ Joyce Rupp
In recent years, I’ve become a fan of poetry. I love how a well-constructed phrase can land like a jolt out of nowhere. Take the lines above, for example, from a poem called, “Old Maps No Longer Work.” I don’t know about you, but they sure make me want to take a look at my maps to see where I have been lulled into a meaningless wilderness. If my life has become dull and futile in any realm, I want to know about it.
What Are Maps, Anyway?
Essentially, maps are representations of reality that our minds construct so we can feel more secure. They serve as guides to help us navigate the terrain of life, telling us which way to go and what to expect when we get there.
We love to know, and we get anxious when we don’t know. With a map, there is a sense of, “I know.” We feel more at ease and in control.
Maps can be useful at times to help us find our way through unfamiliar situations. But how do they take us to a meaningless wilderness where life is dull and futile?
- Maps pigeon-hole our thinking. When we hold a certain idea about how something is supposed to look, we find ourselves caught in a very small box. We expect things to transpire according to a given pattern, and we close ourselves to new and fresh possibilities.
- We try to make reality fit the map. Did you ever hear of trying to put a square peg into a round hole? When we are adhering to a map, we are not open to seeing things as they are. Rather, we strive to make situations and people fit our expectations and desires. We become masters at ignoring or rationalizing away information that does not fit.
- Maps short-circuit our creativity. Creativity needs space to bloom. A creative, out-of-the-box response to a challenging situation can make a world of difference. Applying a map to a given situation suffocates the potential for the unexpected to arise.
- We resist what is. Maps prevent us from seeing things clearly. Because we are operating with tunnel vision, we miss the wonder and possibility that life offers us.
Recognizing Our Maps
Reflecting on my own maps was revealing. My parents are now elderly, and I realized that they no longer fit the map I have held of them for many years. According to my map, I expected them to take care of themselves, I consulted them for advice from time to time, and I felt free rein to react with frustration when they said or did things that triggered me.
When I rip up the map, I see two people who need my help. They are consumed with just getting through the day and have very little bandwidth to hear my questions and concerns. And, most importantly, my time with them is drawing to a close, and I want it to be harmonious.
Taking away all of my resistance, I slow down when I’m with them and I allow my heart to receive their fears and challenges. There is such a tenderness in meeting them exactly as they are. Can you see what I would lose if I were stuck in my map?
Another map that came to mind was one that defines the landscape of a romantic relationship. I discovered so many expectations: how much time we spend together, how we spend that time, how he should be, how I should be, and on and on.
As my partner and I have both dispelled our maps, letting ourselves and each other express what is naturally here, things have gotten interesting. First, our love and intimacy has deepened so beautifully by this boundless allowing. It’s been such a relief to tell the truth.
And, second, we have realized that our life paths are not converging. We don’t know exactly what this means for “us†at this point, but we realize we need to let go of even the expectation that the relationship will continue.
Going Mapless
I have made what feels like an important discovery. When I drop the maps in these two situations, I melt into love. I stop resisting. I am overcome with gratitude. I’ll take real over constructed any day.
When we open to things as they are, the maps fall away. Reality is revealed – so alive, so fresh, expansive, and filled with possibility.
How does holding on to maps affect you? How would things change if you let them go?
Gail Brenner writes at her blog, A Flourishing Life, which is all about freedom. She says: “We’re here, so let’s be awake to this precious life! We can untangle self-defeating habits and live conscious lives of intelligence, fulfillment, and authenticity. We can be joyful and creative.” Gail delights in offering inspiring articles and guided audio meditations that support people in realizing their true heart’s desire.
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This Site: © Robin Easton
Website: http://www.nakedineden.com
Blog:http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/
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73 Comments so far...
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Says:
14 April 2010 at 8:25 am.
Robin,
Thank you SO much for the opportunity to guest post on your site. I love what you offer here and your beautiful community.
I’m soaring with gratitude! You are such a light in the world.
Lots of love,
Gail
[Reply]
The Exception Says:
14 April 2010 at 11:34 am.
I have no words to describe the cord that this essay struck in me. I try not to live with maps but realize that sometimes I have them without realizing that it is the case. I find it interesting to not use maps for my own life and yet have to work with people that are very dependent upon the map or maps that they use.
How does one work without a map and open to the world while dealing with those that focus very much on the map?
Love this post and I will visit your site. Thanks Gail!
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Hi Exception,
Love your comment. Realizing we have maps allows us to take a look at them. Do they serve? Are they outmoded? Once we know what they are, we can see if they are guiding or limiting us.
Great question that you pose about how to not have a map and open to those who are bound by their maps. Maybe we need to have no map as we open to such people. I can definitely get into the mindset where I think other people should be free they way I am. This is such a joke because this is not a very free mindset at all!
If we are truly free of our maps, others can be as they are and we move with whatever arises, not resisting it by thinking they shouldn’t have maps. Every situation is a teaching moment if we are open to seeing it that way. And when we open our hearts to everyone, even those whose hearts are very closed, everyone benefits.
[Reply]
suzen Says:
14 April 2010 at 11:59 am.
Hi Robin! I’ve missed You too! Life is BIG – and wonderful too, of course, and it is soooo hard sometimes to “do it all”. I’m playing catch up from vacation myself here – it’s always something!
And Hello Gail! WOW! Brilliant post! I love the map metaphor – positively perfect! Being an out-of-the-box person from birth (I think!) I don’t think I’ve been too attached to maps – maybe never. I’d squirm, too confining, too predictable – much more fun to be a trail blazer! That being said, a few lost times in my life I may have longed for one to just get my bearings a bit. I’m either (choose one) highly creative, possess an interminable case of adult A.D.D., or I’m a total nut case. (You do not have to reveal your choice!)
Now, interestingly enough, I am married to a mapper. Just how we have journeyed thru 30 years of marriage is some kind of miracle! I think he keeps me around for the “entertainment” factor.
Anyhooo, I’ll be coming by your site! Thanks for this wonderfully written and lovingly sensitive post!
Hugs,
suZen
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
So great to meet you, suZen! So you are one of the mapless ones from birth. That makes you a trailblazer for all of us.
As the ones caught in the maps encounter your example of maplessness, their world view is challenged and transformation can happen. Everyone has a place in this array of splendor we call life, and it’s impossible for us to not affect one another.
I was entertained by your comment, so I imagine you are very entertaining. I am thrilled to hear that your long marriage with a mapper works. You are a testament to the fact that when we don’t project a need for someone to be different than they are, love can thrive. Thank you for this.
BTW: I choose all three!!
[Reply]
John - Zen-Moments Says:
14 April 2010 at 12:57 pm.
Gail,
Your thoughts are profound yet simple, and that gives them power. Your analogy of mind maps is a good one. Maps are precise and completely defined, and we love that certainty don’t we?
But reality is power beyond imagination. It is fluid and malleable, and continually changing. My personal analogy for this tendency to artificially define and control perception, is that we hold templates between reality and our vision. If the reality doesn’t align with our template, then we don’t see it. We miss the moment and any magic and beauty that it holds.
Your account of your relationship to, and perception of, your parents, is moving. When you say “There is such a tenderness in meeting them exactly as they are” I feel your emotions; the depth, and the strange beauty that is expressed in this ending time, and once-again-dependent time of their lives, and of your life.
Life’s circles and cycles are the engine of humanity. The reversals and begin-again’s are the piston power that drives us forward. Existence is dynamic and raw, powerful and beautiful. And its circular nature of constant change is its defining characteristic.
Your closing sentiment on speaking of your parents, “Can you see what I would lose if I were stuck in my map?” sums it up beautifully.
Thank you Gail,
John
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Wow, John, what a beautiful expression of living as truth. The way you describe templates is so clear. When we are trapped in a template, we do miss what is actually here.
But we love our templates, don’t we? It is a matter of survival to know, to have a plan, to feel like we are in control. Then the willingness to become aware of all of these tendencies reveals boundless freedom overflowing with potential that we cannot possibly know until things happen. This is what is real.
I appreciate your sentiments about what is happening with my parents. It is all of those: raw, dynamic, powerful, beautiful, and I would add sweet, tender, heart-breaking, heart-opening.
When we move with the change you speak of, our maps have fallen away, even the map of ourselves as separate from the whole. Then there is only life – no beginning, no end.
[Reply]
Michael C. Dewey Says:
14 April 2010 at 2:03 pm.
Thank You. For some reason (Maybe the Inner Game of Tennis.) my mind stayed open enough through dark times, for the truth to be revealed to me. I wish my Family and some I battle with on facebook, had that same open mind.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Hi Michael,
Your comment is so honest, so open. Thank you very much for this. It takes an open mind to know the truth, a mind that is open even in the darkest dark. You are one of the fortunate ones who have been able to meet the most challenging experiences, not shying away, but knowing reality as it is.
I hear your wish for people you battle with to have the same open mind. Sometimes (often?) people just don’t react the way we want them to. That leaves us with a dilemma. What to do with this situation that we have no control over?
There are many options, and the one I choose is peace. I may not necessarily make peace with the person, but I make peace with my own inner reactions to them so my personal suffering stops. If I am peaceful inside, their behavior seems to not matter as much.
It’s a beautiful journey that you are on. May you continue to be filled with love and the deepest understanding.
[Reply]
Michael C. Dewey Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 9:29 pm
I will do my best to stay peaceful. Learning when to walk away, will help at that. Though I get so frustrated at times. Been learning that maps, people have built, whether true or not, make things tough… when confronted with other view points.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Thanks so much for your reply, Michael.
When we follow peace, love, beauty, joy, we can’t go wrong. I wish you well…
[Reply]
Catrien Ross Says:
14 April 2010 at 3:29 pm.
Gail, thank you so much for this wonderful, powerfully expressed post that moved me so deeply. You revealed such profound wisdom and compassion – another way of looking at the contours of our lives. As you so gently and honestly show, we can open our response in ways that free us into loving acceptance.
It is so interesting how having a map keeps us trapped in the same territory, over and over. Our map tells us that we are here, when we should be there, or admonish us no, not there, here. And again and again we travel the same contours, ever lost and never finding the way that would release us into a new world.
As you so eloquently point out, it is only when we dispel those maps that we become free to look at how things are – to actually see the way the land lies and how the wind blows – with our own eyes and senses, in the here and now, and not according to the old directions of our inner maps. We expand into the unknown, like true explorers.
Your post speaks especially powerfully to me because I feel that going beyond maps has been happening to me, too, in Japan, especially in my own relationship with my partner. Trying to interpret understanding from prior maps led inevitably back to the same tired starting points. Tearing up and losing the map has left the world open as a fresh landscape of renewed interaction and compassionate awareness. I no longer have maps to tell me where to go. And somehow this has released my spirit into such loving acceptance of the journey’s unfolding – as well as a keen appreciation of the very real details of the moment as it is.
Gail, from the mapless mountains of Japan, thank you – Catrien Ross.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
Hi Catrien, my sweet friend. So glad to see you over here at Robin’s blog!
You made a fascinating point about the maps we hold onto, which is that when we use them we are lost. We may think we are right where we need to be, but we are looking at such a small part of the totality of the moment, we can’t possibly know our true destination.
I love how you describe what happens when we dispel the maps: “true explorers, actually seeing the way the land lies…with our own senses.” We miss so much when the map is our guide. We relate to reality with a film covering everything. When the film is cleared away, there is life – fresh, open, expansive.
I can definitely relate to tearing up the maps about relationship. It is such an honest exploration that is ultimately relieving and releasing, although not always easy. A mapless existence brings a “loving acceptance of the journey’s unfolding.”
Thank you so much for your beautiful words.
[Reply]
Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene) Says:
14 April 2010 at 3:58 pm.
Gail,
So good to see you here on Robin’s blog. As always, I love reading your thoughts. I love the map analogy. A boss of mine used to always say, “The map is not the territory,” meaning that maps are tools, but not reality, and it pays to keep that in mind so we don’t end up going down a path that no longer even exists. Maps are meant for adjusting, we must keep our eyes and ears open, and our minds sharp, take nothing for granted, assume as little as possible, so that we can shift and change and modify for the optimal actions and results. It’s true in business and it’s true in life. I recently wrote about spotlighting your blinds spots – your post touches on similar ideas – opening our eyes to the reality of a situation, as in your parents’ case.
I am fascinated by the question of who steps off the map and who sticks to it no matter what. How good are you at reacting to changes in the territory rather than blindly following the map? Here’s a question – how soon do you turn around when you realize you’re probably going in the wrong direction in your car? I’ve gone on and on, hoping something familiar will appear around the bend. But I’ve gotten better and better at stopping, taking ahold of myself, and turning around faster, on the road, and in life. It’s also a matter of good personal leadership. Following my gut, trusting myself and not looking to others to tell me when to change direction.
Great post, Gail, thank you!
Linda
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
There is so much in your comment, Linda. Your thinking is so deep and honest.
I, too, am interested in situations where we are aware we are following a map, it might not be the best course of action, yet we follow it anyway. What does it take to make the choice to step off the trail and see reality as it is? You are describing that for you it is a process of learning, of gradually becoming aware, and more and more making the choice to follow your gut. The maps then eventually fall away.
There has to be a willingness. Sometimes our maps – or habits – are so entrenched that it’s challenging just to become aware of them. They pull on us with a tremendous amount of strength, and stopping in the face of that strength is just plain hard.
We need to want to know the truth more than we want to continue holding onto the map. Eventually, the momentum of our conditioning does relax. It just can’t hold up to the power of a true, aware heart.
[Reply]
Your Life Is Your Message | A Flourishing Life Says:
14 April 2010 at 4:02 pm.
[...] to have a guest post published today on Robin Easton’s blog, Naked in Eden, called, “Are Your Maps Holding You Back?” Feel free to stop by and [...]
Guest Post | A Flourishing Life Says:
14 April 2010 at 4:18 pm.
[...] to have a guest post published today on Robin Easton’s blog, Naked in Eden, called, “Are Your Maps Holding You Back?” Robin is one of my absolute favorite bloggers (with a book coming out this [...]
Mike King Says:
14 April 2010 at 5:43 pm.
Lovely message through this article, I really don’t have much to add. If you take away the false maps we use to represent things you are left with love and purity. Wonderful message.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
That says it all, Mike: we are left with love and purity.
So sweet of you to add that to the conversation.
[Reply]
Dr. J Says:
14 April 2010 at 6:44 pm.
This is a beautiful thought, and a challenge to actualize. I’ll reflect on the possibilities. Thank you!
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
Hi Dr. J,
It certainly can be a challenge to actually let go of our maps. The first step is to recognize them, to know how they operate, and to see if they are serving or not. Just this line of questioning may be enough to make a choice that includes everything, rather than the limited choices our maps offer us.
I love reflecting on the possibilities, too. Enjoy!!
[Reply]
Wilma Ham Says:
14 April 2010 at 7:56 pm.
Hi Gail and Robin.
I have used maps as a safety blanket when I was too afraid to explore on my own.
But I have learned that maps are NOT trustworthy, they provide a guide but you cannot follow them to the letter. Then when I got older I am bolder maps are put in their place, useful for roads but not for life.
I absolutely adore you metaphor, and now that I am going off the map I am visiting physical and mental places which are calling me and were indeed inaccessible to me before. I now live rurally after a life in cities, I now go to peaceful places instead of busy ones in my head.
Love to you both, Wilma
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
So beautiful, Wilma. It’s lovely to meet you.
I love how you say that going off the map allows you to visit places that were inaccessible before. There is so much to explore when the exploration has no limits, especially in our bodies and in those realms beyond all form.
You nail it when you say that we use maps as a safety blanket, out of fear. One way to suppress the fear of the unknown and the fear of letting go of the familiar, is to grab a map. It gives us a sense of control and allows us to avoid meeting the fear directly. But maps also truncate the experience of life, which many of us eventually realize.
There is such a richness in existence devoid of maps.
Thank you so much for your comment.
[Reply]
Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills Says:
14 April 2010 at 8:22 pm.
Hi Gail, this is such an important breakthrough for anyone who grasps the concept that our internal map of reality is not reality. Maps do all the things you mentioned and the one that always jumps out for me is how “We try to make reality fit the map.” In fact, it is amazing the lengths we will go to in this regard.
The other aspect that really throws people off balance is when their current map starts falling apart, they feel like their reality is falling apart. Clinging to an outdated map is a downward spiral. Our internal map of reality is just our personal interpretation of the world around us, it’s okay to let it go. Nothing bad will happen. Quite the opposite in fact.
Gail, let me take this opportunity to say that I am a big fan of your work and it’s great to see you here on Robin’s blog. You are two truly amazing ladies in my book. Thanks for sharing.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Great to hear from you, Jonathan! I so appreciate your kind words. I already posted this comment, but it didn’t show up under your post. Wanted to make sure you saw it.
It’s an interesting time when maps start to fall apart. I know people find it challenging, but it is like being handed a precious gift, which is the opportunity to actually know reality, to be free of the confines of our limited world views.
I agree with you, that ultimately nothing bad will happen. Along the way, though, there can be some upheaval that it takes courage to meet. Then, looking back from the mapless shore, it was all worth it!
Among people who know that the map is not the reality, and I know you are one of them, it does seem amazing the lengths others go to try to make their maps fit. There is so much struggling, when the true solution is so easy – just let go of the map.
I wish you well, Jonathan…
[Reply]
Tess The Bold LIfe Says:
15 April 2010 at 7:55 am.
Hi GAil,
Like SuZen I’m a non-mapper married to a mapper! I don’t even like maps themselves cuz I can’t follow them. I’m ADHD to the hilt. I even take meds for it and I’m not ashamed to say it’)
I have a GPS for my car but my internal GPS is the one I love and really follow because it leads me where I want to go and no where else.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
I love the GPS metaphor, Tess. I even used it in a post I wrote recently! Great minds think alike.
Even though you have ADHD, it doesn’t prevent you from following your internal GPS. Interesting. It sounds to me like you are well-connected with your essence. There is something more powerful than even ADHD, which is that inner wisdom that speaks to all of us.
[Reply]
Robin Easton Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Dear sweet Tess, I am moved to tears by this honest sharing! You are truly AMAZING! A role model for us all.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Says:
15 April 2010 at 8:58 am.
Great to hear from you, Jonathan! I so appreciate your kind words.
It’s an interesting time when maps start to fall apart. I know people find it challenging, but it is like being handed a precious gift, which is the opportunity to actually know reality, to be free of the confines of our limited world views.
I agree with you, that ultimately nothing bad will happen. Along the way, though, there can be some upheaval that it takes courage to meet. Then, looking back from the mapless shore, it was all worth it!
Among people who know that the map is not the reality, and I know you are one of them, it does seem amazing the lengths others go to try to make their maps fit. There is so much struggling, when the true solution is so easy – just let go of the map.
I wish you well, Jonathan…
[Reply]
Melissa Says:
15 April 2010 at 10:35 am.
I love the map metaphor, too, it’s so true! And I can so relate to your maps with your relationship. I’ve been there and it can really be heartbreaking. I’m working on letting go of expectation and assumption about what these things are ‘supposed’ to look like. Sometimes all we can do is sit with the discomfort of being without maps or of trying to let go of the maps that are seemingly entrenched within us…
Thanks for your enlightening article!
-Melissa
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Hi Melissa,
It is heartbreaking to let go of relationship maps. Why do we do it? Something inside of us says that we just need to live with authenticity – even if it means that the relationship could fall away.
This path is a ruthless one, where anything we hold onto eventually needs to be put up for grabs. Sitting with the discomfort of being without maps is an essential part of this all-encompassing process. I can really feel your courage and willingness.
Thanks so much for your comment.
[Reply]
Tara Mohr Says:
15 April 2010 at 5:53 pm.
Gail,
What a beautiful piece.
I spend a lot of time working with my own limiting beliefs, so I can trick myself into thinking I’m aware of all my limiting maps. Through your words and the personal examples you’ve courageously shared here, I can sense a deeper, more global sense in which my associative maps, and all those subtle sets of expectations hold me back.
I especially love what you are pointing us to here: that maps in fact distract us from reality as it is, and they that cut us off from the love that we are.
But it’s the steady peace in your voice that will help me and other readers to question the maps. Your calm helps us drop our fears and move into what’s there.
With thanks that you are you, Tara
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
So beautiful, Tara. Thank you so much.
Recognizing maps is like peeling the layers of the onion. Once the obvious ones are dispelled, the more subtle ones can be seen. And each time they are seen is the opportunity for letting them go. I see this as an ongoing investigation, a way of life, in which we get to deepen endlessly in our understanding and experience of pure reality.
What a blessed life we all have…
[Reply]
Joy Says:
15 April 2010 at 6:36 pm.
Gail,
What an insightful post–thank you for sharing!
As soon as I read the title, I was intrigued and began to think about your question. My answer is yes my maps are holding me back. I have lived pretty much mapless most of my life, yet recently I notice I have complex maps that I cannot read. They clutter my life and frustrate me. I cannot read them because they were not made by me, or perhaps even for me, they were manifested by others in my life so I looked at them and followed the course because for a bit I forgot my own navigational skills and resources. Now I am back on track. Maps are necessary for a loose structure but for me I follow the current set by the Universe and that is how I live most peacefully and joyfully.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Joy,
Yours is a joyful (I love saying that to you!) story of remembrance. Even the most awake among us can get caught by a map. We forget our navigational skills and follow who knows where.
Getting back on track is the returning to the truth of ourselves, to the current of the Universe, as you so aptly put it. When we become aware that maps are holding us back, we are at least half way to being free of them. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
[Reply]
Liara Covert Says:
15 April 2010 at 7:20 pm.
For many people, maps emerge like signposts. They need not contain any words. They can comprise, symbols, colors, images and code to be deciphered by part of you beyond the mind. Some people view themselves on a perpetual quest. They refer to the maps forged by others. Other people are finders not seekers and reconnect with all they need through maps in the soul.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 9:32 pm
You make an important distinction here, Liara.
Sometimes maps are applied by others and we take them on as ours. Sometimes the mind comes up with its own maps full of “shoulds” and expectations.
Then there are the maps that appear from the soul when we listen. Rather than trying to make reality squeeze into the map, those from the soul guide us as we navigate through life. And my experience is the same as yours: the maps in the soul bring us everything we need.
This was an important point to make, and I’m so glad you contributed it.
[Reply]
nothingprofound Says:
16 April 2010 at 6:24 am.
To follow one’s own whims is the best map. If you do that, you can never get lost.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 16th, 2010 at 8:23 am
Dear Nothing Profound,
Actually, what you say is very profound. It’s as simple as following our own whims. Brilliant!
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Liara Covert Says:
16 April 2010 at 7:00 am.
Gail, so great to share perspectives. They all compliment each other. Everything can be experienced as a facet of expansion in the kaleidoscope of dimensions, existence and awakening.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 16th, 2010 at 8:24 am
I feel the same way, Liara. You just left a comment on my blog that got me thinking in some new directions, and I’m excited about that. I love how we support each other!!
[Reply]
David Says:
16 April 2010 at 5:10 pm.
I think that maps are important. I hate being lost in the woods. And if I am feeling more deeply in love with my partner (or not) the last thing I want to do is leave them alone.
[Reply]
Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Hi David,
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m always open to different perspectives, so your comment invited me to stop and reflect.
Maps definitely do serve a purpose at times in our lives, and as other commenters have mentioned, some people like them better than others. Where they deserve our attention is when they stop serving us, when our lives become stale because we are stuck in the map. But there are many times when knowing the lay of the land is useful and feels good.
I hear your point about not leaving someone you love. What is happening is a deeper intimacy and respect because we have been so honest with each other recently, not necessarily a deepening in the kind of love that makes you not want to leave your partner. I want my partner to have the most fulfilling life possible with everything he wants, and he wants the same for me. Whether that means we can do that by staying together is to be determined. We are actually both OK with how things are and open to all possibilities.
[Reply]
David Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Thanks for your reply. Maps are useful and generally they provide help when we are exploring new territory. I guess the analogy kind of breaks down for me there but maybe I’m just missing something. If the territory is old and I’m tired of the same old stuff why do I even need a map?
Also I think that a lot depends on the kind of relationship we are discussing. Marriages are different from other kinds of relationships and a lot depends on the agreements that were made in the beginning of them.
I have been married before but the thing I have learned this time is that it is possible to grow in many ways within a relationship. And that was there from day one. Perhaps if it was something that only happened as time went on I would feel differently. Maybe I would feel more tentative and wonder if it was for real. I don’t know.
Learning to relax is so important both mentally and physically. And often in the early stages of marriage we think we are relaxing but we are really just uncoiling for brief periods. LOL.
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Robin Easton Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 5:00 pm
Dear David, your “seeking” and expression is so earnest and that touches me.
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Dorothy Stahlnecker Says:
16 April 2010 at 8:58 pm.
My goodness what a grand way to remind us we are the keepers of our own cages, and often I’m perplexed at how I choose a path, quickly know I took the wrong road and continue on the path to absolute, dissatisfaction. Thanks for the directions as to how to get off and on the right road.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
I love the way you put this, Dorothy – keepers of our own cages. So true – we have the key, and sometimes we don’t realize it.
I definitely know that phenomenon when we know we took the wrong road, but we keep on going. Oh, the mysteries of being human. What’s most important, though, is that whatever direction we go in offers us a learning opportunity.
Happy trails to you….
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Robin Easton Says:
17 April 2010 at 10:42 am.
Dear Gail and all the souls who generously left comments here:
I have so enjoyed reading all of your comments and Gail’s replies. So much insight and warmth here. Also, enjoyed the honesty and varied perspectives. This topic is a very juicy one for me as I love adventure and striking out into the unknown. I also love listening to my heart and soul, using it for a map of sorts. Or maybe not so much of a map, but more of guide or calling. Usually if listened to, it takes me deep into the unknown and onto never before explored paths, paths that are totally off any map I’ve ever known. And YET, with time I find that these unknown new paths lead me full circle to my deepest, truest and most familiar self. In other words once I “arrive” I recognize myself more fully than ever before, and the path is instantly “known”. I experience a “re-membering” of self. I have come “home”.
My love and gratitude to you all.
You are a blessing in my life.
Love,
Robin
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Robin, my sweet friend,
It has been an absolute delight to communicate with your lovely community here. I SO appreciate the opportunity. There have been insights, including my own, challenges, differing perspectives, beautiful meeting on common ground.
If you consider the quote from the poem at the beginning of the post, you might think going by a map is wrong. But as the discussion and your comment have illuminated, there are different ways to think of maps. And when we return to our Selves, the path is instantly known, the truest map of all.
My love to you and every one of your readers. May your lights shine brilliantly.
Gail
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Lynn Emery Says:
17 April 2010 at 8:47 pm.
Very thought provoking. I think the realization that our parents will not always be with us or losing a parent forces a shift in POV. Like you I’ve felt this now that my mother is elderly and in fragile health. I love the map metaphor. Thanks.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Beautiful comment, Lynn. Thank you so much.
Our parents are so much a part of us that there is a sizable inner shift when they become elderly and when we lose them in the end. Loss is part of the life journey of being human. It is such a tender teacher that opens our hearts more and more fully.
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Hilary Says:
18 April 2010 at 5:29 am.
Hi Gail and Robin ..
I love maps and looking at them and seeing what others knew way back when – but I can see if we use maps for our lives we can be overwhelmed with all the information available and actually we really only need the path along which to travel, letting our mind be free and open for new experiences, new ideas etc
Re your parents .. I have looked after my uncle, while my mother lives on with 3 major strokes .. and I realised very early on – thank goodness – that I needed to provide stimulation for them both, something that they could relate to in their situation; and relieve the pressure on them for as much as possible, so without taking my uncle’s independence away I organised the shopping for him – he was grateful (very); my mother is in a Nursing Centre .. but I take the daily worry of that away & she has been amazing of coping too, while knowing that I am there .. and has said she couldn’t have coped without me – she is locked in bed with an active brain. So I totally agree with your thoughts on your parents – I just wish my brothers could do even some of the way what I’m doing and realise what they’re missing out on .. but that’s not the way it is.
Going mapless, dropping the expectation, is a very interesting thought .. and I am sure I’m just about in that process now – as my mother weakens, and while she does I can continue on my mapless path be open to all things ..
Thank you – a wonderful post … so interesting a thought .. hugs to you both .. and wonderful news re your book Robin .. Hilary
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Wow, Hilary. I love to hear how you have so deeply embraced these situations with your mother and uncle. And even though it can be stressful and a lot of work, your concern about your brothers is what they are missing out on.
You are realizing such an important truth. When we meet people just where they are, we get back just as much as, if not more than, the person we are “helping.”
You make an interesting point about maps giving too much information. Things definitely simplify when we let go of the map. No figuring anything out – simply being open to the next step. My experience is that moving through life is much easier without the map.
Sending love and support to you, your uncle and mother…
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Robin Easton Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Hilary, you are SUCH a treasure. You have my deepest respect. You give with total love. Bless you.
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Janet Gardner Says:
18 April 2010 at 6:27 am.
Hi Robin and Gail,
Thank you for sharing this post, it is one of the most beautiful ones
I have ever read. You have inspired me today. I will let go of all the
maps in my life and be in the here and now. Pay attention to every step
I take and take in all it’s beauty that surrounds me. I look forward
to reading more of both of your blogs. I have been missing out!!
Take Care,
Janet 
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I’m so glad you came here, Janet.
Your comment is so inspiring! I love the fire you express to let go of your maps and be in the here and now – especially in noticing all the beauty that is always here, waiting for our loving attention.
It is such a blessed occurrence to take that step into the mapless path.
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Jannie Funster Says:
18 April 2010 at 9:37 am.
Oh, my goodness — I dreamed about maps last night!! Let’s see what I can remember. My husband, daughter and I were leaving, in a big motor-home. We were happy, expectant. We were stocked up with food. We were off on a new adventure.
And the part about the map, it was kind of a living map, with flowers and stuff on it.
This dream must be a good sign. Our trip signifies our travels through life together, of course.
So why the map?
Did I sense in my dream that you had Gail here guest-posting? Did I know maps were in the air? Hmn, so many mysteries of life.
Did my mind construct the map so I would feel more secure? Have I been resisting something big? Is it time for me to jettison some mapped way of thinking or living?? Hmn, very interesting to ponder! Maybe more will be revealed tonight in my dreams.
Wonderful for you to share Gail with us, Robin!! Thanks so much. Thank you both.
xo
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
Hi Jannie,
I love the imagery of the living map with flowers and stuff on it. It sounds like a good sign to me.
And I so appreciate your willingness to inquire. Living in questions speaks to a beautiful openness in you to see everything, even those things that might be hard to take in.
Such a beautiful soul – I can feel it…. Thank you…
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mama llama Says:
18 April 2010 at 11:14 am.
This post was recommended to me by a friend and it is, indeed, a very enlightening way to think of our life situations.
On the wall in my home classroom I have what is known as a “What’s Up? South!” map, depicting the world with the southern hemisphere “up” and the northern, “down”. It serves many purposes–my students never cease to be amazed at how salient details are that they never before noticed, and I use it as a metaphor for showing how, through an alteration of perspective, we can come to understand more than we ever had before.
Yet however easy it is to utilize this as a teaching model, I find it very difficult to stray from my map in my personal life. My compass is currently no longer set on “north”–yet neither is it a Jack Sparrow-esque “pointing at what I most want.” I am defining my new direction, determining my new compass rose and my new map will surge forth. There is a difference between going mapless and being flexible enough to alter/change maps and directions, but both require much the same flexibility and self-knowledge to realize when one direction simply no longer works for you!
Thank you for the post. Be well.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Dear Mama,
Your students are so fortunate to have you as a teacher – you are literally turning their worlds upside down!! What a beautiful teaching for our children – to challenge assumptions and expectations.
We love to cling to our maps until either it is obvious they don’t fit anymore or they are ripped from us by life circumstances. They give us a sense of safety that can be so reassuring.
It is pure wisdom to see that the map just isn’t applying to what is actually happening. You express such a willingness to be flexible to change or to letting the map go altogether, if need be. And as you so clearly describe, it can be a process. We know we are finished with the old, but we just don’t know what the new is yet. And there we sit – in the not knowing.
Your openness to letting your new map surge forth is a such an inspiration. Thank you!
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Nadia - Happy Lotus Says:
18 April 2010 at 12:35 pm.
Hi Gail,
Beautiful post with a message that is equally as beautiful.
Many years ago, I was one of those Type A people who had a five year plan down to every single detail. Then some stuff happened which turned my life around for the better. Long gone are my maps and the Type A traits.
Someone once told me the following joke: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. I think there is a lot of truth to that joke.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Thanks for sharing that joke, Nadia. I think of it when my plans go out the window!
I love to hear about the kind of transformation that has happened in your life. I am so happy for your that you are so much happier without the maps and the Type A traits.
Planning down to every single detail can ultimately be quite painful – because at some point, reality is not going to fit the plan. If we are attached to our plans, we are setting ourselves up for stress and disappointment, as you probably know from your former life.
I feel the fresh breath of freedom in your comment. Thank you so much!
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Robin Easton Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Nadia, I LOVE this joke and laughed out loud!!!!
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rob white Says:
19 April 2010 at 4:48 am.
Hi Gail & Robin,
This is a truly beautiful metaphor. You struck a chord with me when talked about your parents. My father passed a little more than a year ago and his last years were the closest we had been. And it really happened that way because I did give up my Map of how we relate. By the time he passed we were both truly at peace after many tumultuous years that were anything but. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Blessings,
rob
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Robin Easton Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 7:24 am
Hi Rob, it’s really nice to meet you. I wanted to just say that I really relate to this story of your Dad. It’s very touching and reminds me of how it was with my mother. I am so glad you shared this because I felt once again how grateful I am that I too gave up my maps and made my peace with my mother. Because we both chose to do that in the end, she is with me always. Although disconnected throughout my life — because we just didn’t get along — we formed an astounding bond in the end. And as you say, the peace we made is so healing, wonderful and still with me, part of me. Blessings to you as well, Rob.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 7:47 am
Rob and Robin,
These sharings are both beautiful testimony to what is possible when we give up maps, especially around challenging relationships. If a relationship is fraught with friction, both people are probably holding onto their maps quite strongly.
It’s funny how this seems to work: when one person gives up their map, the other person’s map often loses it’s power. If one person stops, the dance stops, and there is space for something fresh and new to arise.
You have both experienced the awesomeness of possibility in such a deep and satisfying way.
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eddie Says:
23 May 2010 at 10:07 pm.
You are a brave woman Robin..letting go of expectations and attachment is very liberating but
can be disconcerting while were’ finding our way’. I remember a book title from the sixties…written by Allen Ginsberg. It was titled the “Wisdom of Insecurity”. In a nod to Marshall Mc Luhan and the notion of the ‘medium is the message’ I think i grasped the meaning from the title…sort of a homeopathetic tincture of wiseness that has stuck with me through all these
years.
Lately I’ve been challenged by my inherent desire to cajole and control things in to my liking in my relationship.. I’m hoping I’m finally arriving at the place of relinquishing this stubborn refusal to let things be what they are.It has never served me well.
Like most things in life an ongoing process…as always the first step is ‘awarenes’. Thanks for sharing you awareness with us all. e
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Rain Says:
29 July 2010 at 3:16 pm.
I was visiting the Zen moment website when i came across your comment regarding the unconditional love article he had written. The way you described your relationship was over powering and i had to come check out your site.
I am taking an NLP class now and the site map is a very large aspect of NLP, to have read it on your website has made it so much easier to understand it and how to cope with it productively.
Really enjoyed reading your article.
Best of luck always……warmest of wishes
Rain
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Kristin Borquist Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:05 am
Robin, I found your site through A Flourishing Life, very happy about that. Just when I think I am off the map… I look around again, and voila, borders and roads. It is such a worthwhile adventure, and now, I can laugh each time. I also think of it as a game board, and, on the map, I am always playing a game in which one of the pieces can’t be moved. I find this is often true in relationships as well, and that as long as I am trying to change the rules on the board, trying to get the other person to see the board, or negotiating my position on the board, things are not clear. The only real choice is to see that I do not actually live on the board at all.
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Gail @ A Flourishing Life Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 8:13 am
Hi Kristin,
Thanks so much for your comment! No maps, no board, no game, no pieces, no rules! Now this is being alive, here, living in freedom. So beautiful.
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