What’s the Latest Score?
Posted by Robin Easton
Today I only raise questions to start a discussion:
Do you get upset if someone doesn’t call you as often as you call them? If so why? Do you feel hurt or upset if someone doesn’t return your email or phone call in, what you deem, the appropriate amount of time, or at all? What is your time frame based on? Do you even know? Do you feel that they owe you this? If so why?
Do you keep track of who last did the dishes, who last put the toothpaste cap back on, who last put the toilet paper on the holder, who last filled the gas tank, who last paid for the meal, who last did the laundry, who last made dinner, who last bought the groceries, who last picked up the kids? Do you keep track of how often your partner tells you they love you? Do you even know how often enough is or why you need it that often? Do you keep track of whether your family, friends, kids or spouse send birthday cards, Christmas presents or how often they call or write? Do you know why you do this? W
hen they finally contact you do you make them feel guilty for not doing these things? If so, do you know why? Do you think this will make them want to call or write more often? Do you know what you want from them and why you want it? Do you know what they need? Do you feel your needs are more real, more important than theirs?
Do you keep score in your relationships? If so, have you ever stopped and asked yourself why? Why am I keeping score? What am I concerned about? What am I afraid will or won’t happen? How will keeping score serve me? Is it a loving act? Will score keeping help me get what I want? Do I clearly know what I want? Do I build resentment when I feel that the score isn’t in my favor? Does resentment hurt me? Do I feel justified in my score keeping, more righteous when I keep score; I am good and “other” is bad?
Will keeping score bring ˜other” closer to me? Could I instead honestly express my fears and desires? Could I do it in such a way that I entice ˜other” to meet my needs as opposed to pressuring them with shame, ridicule or quilt? Is it possible that “other” is doing things for me that I don’t even notice or really appreciate? Is it possible ‘other’ has completely different values, needs and ways of looking at things, which may be as valid as my own? Am I able to distinguish between a real need and the times my stress is over spilling? How much of what I try to control really matters? Is there an alternative to score keeping? 
I invite you to share your thoughts, insights and experiences. Let’s see what we can learn from each other.
Love,
Robin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Site: © Robin Easton
Website: http://www.nakedineden.com
Blog: http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/
Related Posts:
27 Comments so far...
wilma Says:
29 June 2009 at 9:13 pm.
I used to keep score until coming from love made that obsolete. I am learning to do things coming from love and I have learned to say ‘no’ and set boundaries. I also have learned that reciprocal doesn’t mean linear.
When people say things which I don’t agree with, I just let it be, judgment is no longer needed to make me feel good or safe.
The book ‘love without End’ has helped me hugely to come to understand coming from love and creating a better world around me where score keeping no longer fits. It feels good this way.
Robin Replies
Dear Wilma, what a welcome and refreshingly wise comment. You have said such an important wisdom in these two sentences: “I am learning to do things coming from love and I have learned to say ‘no’ and set boundaries. I also have learned that reciprocal doesn’t mean linear.” Wise Wilma, for me this says it all. I too have learned to combine coming from love and yet say “no”/set boundaries when I need to —- It is a powerful awakening when we understand that reciprocation “doesn’t mean linear.” I learned this from an elder woman a long time ago when she helped me out and I was helpless to give back in the way she had given to me, and yet I wanted to. She said, “We may not always give back to the person who gives to us; we may give to an entirely different person, someone who needs it more. Someday you can help someone in need.” I never forgot that. —I just LOVE what you wrote here. I could not have better summed up my own experience. You have done it so beautifully and clearly in just two lines. Thank you for taking the time to stop in; you gave me a great gift.
[Reply]
soulMerlin Says:
30 June 2009 at 4:45 am.
Hi Robin ~ This post gives me no easy answer – yes I do keep scores. The keeping of scores has both served me well and has also shown my insecurity.
In my business, I make sure that I respond to emails and enquiries. I keep track of those who contact me frequently and try to respond promptly (sometimes not too promptly if it’s a job offer…(one mustn’t seem to be too keen).
Because I’m a slob, I keep note of how many times Liz has done the washing up etc and I make sure that I make an equal commitment.
This year, I thought I was going to be invited to teach on a summer school, run by two people I’ve known for many years. I responded three times to no reply…they had found someone else. I’m aggrieved that their friendship did not extend to contacting me – instead I realised in a tacit way, that my services were not needed.
just a few thoughts
love
henry
Robin Replies
Dear henry, I just love the way your mind works. There are so many delightful insights here. I loved when you said that keep track of how many times Liz does the washing up and that you make sure to do an equal amount. Both my husband and I do the same, which is so wonderful. So I guess that is a positive form of “score keeping”. Lol! I love that. I guess we could also call it being thoughtful, considerate and loving….watching over each other. I find that very endearing that you do that. —I also like the mention of the word insecurity because I think we can all feel this at some point. Even the best of us who don’t hold grudges and such might feel a twinge of hurt or concern if we think someone has rejected our friendship, etc. I am much better at letting this go than when I was younger as I tend to believe in letting people come and go when they need to. In light of that I know that when they connect with me it is out of genuine desire. But then I’ve also been told by some people I know that they are absent minded professor types and love to be nudged toward connection. So many ways of looking at all this. You have opened up the whole score keeping issue a bit more. I like that and thank you for it. You are a unique soul henry. I enjoyed your honesty.
[Reply]
poordoggerz Says:
30 June 2009 at 6:58 am.
Hmmmm…this has made me think about the way I’ve been thinking. I am going to pay attention and see what I do.
Robin Replies
Hello PoorDoggerz, Welcome and thank you for your comment. I am glad that reading these questions got you thinking. I’m sure there are many more questions could be asked but I ran out. Lol!! Sometimes writing a post like this makes me be more aware in my own life as well. It tickled me when you said you were going to pay attention and see what you do. When I wrote these questions that was specifically my intent, to simply help make us all more aware of our actions and thoughts. Thank you for stopping in. It is much appreciated.
[Reply]
David Says:
30 June 2009 at 7:43 am.
This is a tough one. Boy! When I write to someone who I’m close to or send them something and they don’t respond I wonder why. I worry that I have said something that may have bothered them in some way. But I just hope that they will talk about it sometime or just let it go if it’s not very important. No guilt trips!
I tend not to censure or even correct the things I think and write about most of the time. I don’t have a business and don’t have to have that discipline. I’m trying to bring fresh thoughts and ideas to the table! Blogging is all about that to me.
Often it is easier to write something for people in general than for one person in particular. Because when you write for a group those who understand and appreciate what you are saying will be satisfied. And those who do not will simply move on down the road. Writing to one person always is more challenging. I’m not sure why but it is for me. For example I don’t do well in terms of answering comments sometimes. Robin does incredibly well in this area and I admire her for her efforts.
My wife and I do not keep score in our relationship and it is a wonderful thing. Thoughts and feelings stay fresh and vibrant when you can share them with someone. What will she say next? Oh what a surprise! Did you just come up with that?
Thoughts and ideas should have a very high value in our lives. I’m not talking about technical ideas or intellectual constructs. Simplicity is important too. And honesty is so very important.
Do I fear that I will say something that hurts someone without intending to do so? Yes very much. I’m not sure being entirely fearless is possible or even a good thing. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I wouldn’t let me granddaughter play in the road because I fear what might happen to her. I fear what might happen to her if I fall asleep while she is playing outside. So I stay awake. But I do not keep her from playing outside. I don’t grasp her too tightly. And I don’t cease writing and sharing my thoughts because I might cause confusion or consternation.
I hope this makes some sense. I could easily delete it but then maybe it will make sense to someone if it reaches the light of day.
Robin Replies
Dear David, You are amazing. There are many many insights here that I relate to and I’m sure others will as well, but the thing I can’t get over, the main impact of this whole comment is the depth of sensitivity, openness, honesty and earnestness that you always convey, not only in your comments but in your posts. But it goes even deeper. It goes back to that thing that I’m always telling you. You have gift of touching on simple core feelings that I think we all have felt at some point, bringing them to light and helping us accept our humanity in a compassionate real way. But it’s even more than that. I can only speak for me but when you do this I find myself relaxing more, feeling a love for all of humanity and the various human conditions. I feel a connection to my own humanity and humanity as a whole. You enrich the world simply by being yourself. That is not only enough; it is a HUGE gift to those blessed to connect with you. I know it has changed my life. Thank you, David.
[Reply]
Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills Says:
30 June 2009 at 9:43 am.
Hi Robin, this is a great subject to shine some light on. We should take each of the questions in this article personally, asking ourselves “do I do this?” Keeping score is an ego problem and it stems from a self centered mindset. It’s a very common thinking pattern for control freaks and perpetual victims (2 sides of the same coin). Love, compassion and empathy move our focus away from self and the tendency to keep score. As a reformed control freak I can say this, if you are keeping score you are missing out on the things in life that really matter. Life is not a contest, it’s a journey, and we are all on it together.
Robin Replies
Hi Dear Jonathan, Wow, this is an fascinating comment for several reasons. First off I love your honest straightforward way of speaking and your honesty about yourself. That makes your statement even more powerful and palatable because you are talking from a place of one who has firsthand experience (and admits it). —You stopped me in my tracks when you said, “…control freaks and perpetual victims (2 sides of the same coin)”. Phew!! That is potent head turner. And absolutely true. We tend to better see the control freak in someone who is aggressive, but we often overlook a control freak in someone who is always playing the victim, which can be just as pervasively controlling as the aggressor. You have made a very good point here and one that I find fascinating. Thank you for bringing that to light as it is often overlooked. —You also offer great hope and insight when you say that love, compassion and empathy shift our focus away from self and the tendency to keep score. I agree and know this to be true in my own life. It not only shifts us away from keeping score but when fully embraced we live richer, more love-filled, rewarding lives…greater than we ever imagined. —also loved your words: “…it’s a journey, and we are all on it together.” Beautiful!!!
[Reply]
Roger Says:
30 June 2009 at 10:38 am.
Hi Robin,
How much better the world would be if we stopped keeping score! I have always been amazed at some of the ways people do this. The suffering we place on ourselves when we do things with the expectation that others will reciprocate equally is tremendous. Most of us have been guilty of this from time to time.
Western culture, to a degree, is based on a system that expects rewards and return gestures for nearly everything we do. Falling into this prevents us from experiencing the pure joy of doing for the sake of doing without expectations.
Wonderful ideas to ponder. I have found the best way to prove the impact of doing without expecting is to offer “anonymous acts of kindness”. Simply do something good for someone without their knowledge and never tell anyone that you did it. Experience the feelings that go along with having this type of ‘secret’!
Namaste’,
Roger
Robin Replies
Dear Roger, SO wonderful to see you again. I always enjoy your insights. I strongly relate to your use of the world “suffering” we place on ourselves and others when we do things with expectation of reciprocity. I think this level of expectation runs like an illness in western culture, certainly in America. I’ve seen people become ill, go into horrendous debt and have break downs simply trying to meet the expectations of family, friends, co-workers and so forth.
You said, “Western culture, to a degree, is based on a system that expects rewards and return gestures for nearly everything we do. Falling into this prevents us from experiencing the pure joy of doing for the sake of doing without expectations.”
This is a VERY powerful two lines. I agree! It made me think of the stress and strain and score keeping I see all around me at Christmas time. I don’t do Christmas anymore for this very reason. Most of what I saw was filled with pressure, commercialism, score keeping, massive stress, etc., especially in families, co-workers and friends. I saw it all around me and one day I thought, “If I am part of this is it a conscious choice I am making or cultural conditioning? I decided that it was the later. However I love to give to people, but it is most rewarding when I am simply moved to give, even if (as you say) the person doesn’t even know it. There is something so freeing and uplifting when we give from a place of freewill. I am not saying that I don’t help another who is need. I do. —My father was not “good” at birthdays, Christmas, and those type of set holiday givings. BUT he was wonderful with giving and would just turn up with something out of the blue because he was thinking of you and genuinely wanted to give. It was always precious. Thank you Roger for your thought provoking insights and wisdom. I really do appreciate it. You got me thinking of a post I’ve been wanting to do for some time. 
[Reply]
Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC Says:
30 June 2009 at 12:58 pm.
In short I think keeping score creates distance between myself and my hubby. When I feel like I’m being taken for granted I try to calm and center myself and then talk to him about it. Usually I feel we’re fairly balanced between each other.
Robin Replies
Dear Tara, so nice to see you!! I agree with you; my experience is that score keeping pushes the other person away from us. It doesn’t endear us to them or facilitate conversation or getting anything done. Like you, if one of us is slipping (usually because we are tired or maxed out with work) we sit down and calmly talk. That is so rarely needed but it always eases things. Nowadays, we are so close and respectful of each other that we will usually know when the other is maxed out and we will “carry” things for them a bit. The beauty of this with my husband and I is that when the other is less “maxed” they turn around and do extra simply because we love each other and want to do good things for each other. It is really quite beautiful. I am very blessed.
[Reply]
Stephen - Rat Race Trap Says:
30 June 2009 at 1:08 pm.
Excellent questions Robin! NO, I don’t keep score. I hope others don’t either because I will probably come up short LOL!
On the other hand I am aware at a high level if someone is taking advantage of me or manipulating me. I don’t need to keep score to know that. The whole keeping score thing to me is a manifestation of a compromised way of life that I don’t believe in anyway. Why can’t we all just live fulfilling lives and enjoy each other with mutual benefit in a win/win way? Nobody owes me and I owe nobody. I choose to live to mutual benefit.
Anyway, that’s my rambling on the subject. Thanks!
Robin Replies
Dear Stephen, there are some interesting thoughts here. I like your term “mutual benefit”. I think that in a relationship this really works with the right people. My husband and I not only don’t keep score, but we also tend to “watch over” each other. Because we love each other we genuinely want to help the other person, ease their way in a variety of ways that we each do for the other. We not only don’t keep score, but we always check in to make sure we are pulling our weight, so to speak. And since we both do this things just happen effortlessly. Whether we are moving, packing the car for a trip, cleaning the house, doing laundry, saving money, talking, etc, we each just dive in “full on”, almost as if we each were committed to doing it ALL. And wow!, when both parties do this things just happen like magic. But this is not the case with everyone. I think there are two sides to this: not keeping score AND being aware of those around us and what needs doing, and finding that place in us that does something for ‘other’ because we love them. —-Well, your “rambling” certainly inspired me. Lol! Thank you my friend. It is much appreciated.
[Reply]
ronthoughts Says:
30 June 2009 at 5:45 pm.
Wow…..I finally found a site full of “thoughts”, since this is my first time, Hello Robin. I hope this meets you at your best..amazing, your amazing.
Robin Replies
Welcome Ron!!! I am very very touched by your sincere words here. It is an honor to meet you. Your encouragement means a lot to me and is a most rewarding way to end my day. I am grateful because I leave my desk with a HUGE smile on my face. Thank you!
[Reply]
Dragos Roua Says:
1 July 2009 at 1:40 am.
I don’t keep scores and I’m quite anxious around people who do. If somebody loves me, or at least needs my presence around, there’s no need for timetables.
I think this is rooted in another fluctuating self-esteem pattern: I give you this amount of love, so I need back the exact same amount of love, otherwise I will start to feel bad about myself.
Robin Replies
Hi Dragos, I resonate with what you said about being around people who do keep score. I so appreciate the honesty in that statement. It made me remember how in past when I’ve been around someone who keeps score, that I’ve seen it as a form of intimidation, and certainly control. But of course we feel anxious as there is a whole psychic load coming at us to be certain ways, fill certain expectations (that often aren’t clearly defined). There is so much that is unspoken in these type of interactions that it is often mind bending. I so appreciate your bringing them to awareness. Thank you, Dragos for sharing.
[Reply]
ZuzannaM Says:
1 July 2009 at 3:35 pm.
Thank you Dear Robin for the excellent article,
I have enjoyed reading.
KEEPING SCORES
Do you love me more then I do?
Shall we keep the score?
Is it something missing here?
Tell me please my dear oh, dear.
Do we need to keep scores in life?
If the music plays the lovely sound
And smoothly flowing like a river
Rhythm, which been well synchronized.
I have never believed in such thing
As keeping scores in my relationships,
We just did what it suppose to be done
Doing it and having a lot of fun~
Happy those who can understand life
With out of going overboard
With keeping scores who did and what
In each day of this precious life~
July 1-2009
By Zuzanna Musial
Written especially for this particular Blog
In response for the title “What’s the Latest Score? “
Robin Replies
Dearest Zuzanna, I am honored and uplifted by your poem. It is very beautiful. It touches me that you take time to create brand new poems just for these pages. That is really something very special and endearing in itself. And then, the poem is very wise and soothing to read. I love the last part where you say,
“Happy those who can understand life
With out of going overboard
With keeping scores who did and what
In each day of this precious life”
I truly believe this also. I know that when I learned to let go and no longer kept score I felt totally set free, as if a huge burden had lifted from my shoulders. That was a long long time ago so I have been blessed to live so many years of “Precious Life” without keeping score. For that I am deeply grateful. —Thank you my wise friend for sharing your timeless beauty on these pages. It is very much appreciated.
[Reply]
Nothing profound Says:
2 July 2009 at 6:56 am.
I do things for the joy of doing them, not for any particular reward. Since I have no control over other people’s actions, and since they have their own priorities, I don’t take their responses or perceived neglect personally. I enjoy every bit of praise and appreciation I get, but I don’t expect it from anyone.
Robin Replies
Dear NothingProfound, What a joyous treat to again see you this week!! I like what you wrote here. Two key points that I really relate to: I also do things because I enjoy them. So much of what we might complain about doing is often a matter of shifting our perspective. One day years and years ago I looked at the empty toilet roll holder and felt upset that my husband hadn’t replaced the roll when he had used it up (even though there were fresh rolls right beside the toilet – so it wasn’t like I was “stranded” Then I had a couple of thoughts (the toilet is great for thinking). “Well, if I lived here alone I’d have to change the roll myself anyway. And on the tails of that I thought of all the times he had topped up the windshield washer fluid or changed our oil or put air in the tires without me asking or without him telling me.” And suddenly I felt so different. I simply changed the roll and never thought about it again. —I realize that this doesn’t mean we can’t speak up and ask others to do things, we can. But often so much of score keeping in perspective. —The other point you raise here which I relate to is that we each have our own priorities and we can tend to think our priorities should be everyone’s priorities, and that is simply not the case. My priorities are not necessarily more valid than another person’s and vice versa. —Actually, I also relate to what you said about not taking their responses personally. That is a VERY freeing thing to learn. I like that. Thank you for visiting and I so love what you shared here!
[Reply]
Michael C. Dewey Says:
2 July 2009 at 7:01 am.
I may have a chip on my shoulder with my Family of 10 kids and many others who have not returned or made much of a comment about what I am trying to do online… which had also included years of snail mail to the other 9. (I was the 9th)
Robin Replies
Dear Michael, Wonderful to see you here. The thing that touches me most about your comment is your willingness to be honest about your feelings. That is very difficult for many people, so I admire that in you and thank you for it. I also am intrigued and awed that you grew up in a family of 10 kids. That is just wild. I grew up in a family of 6 kids and don’t know how my parents handled 6. I know from my experience that I could pick one experience where all 6 of us were there and each kid would have a different story to tell about that experience. I also see in my family the various attitudes to communication. For some it is crucial that the others stay in touch, and for others they seem to come and go and are happy either way, whether they get mail/calls or they don’t. I tend to be the latter. I was born third of the six. I was curious as to where you fell in the lineup. I wonder if it has anything to do with how we feel. Say, if all first, last or middle borns have similar traits. An interesting subject. Thank you for sharing here Michael; it is much appreciated and your work online is very important.
[Reply]
Plastic Mancunian Says:
2 July 2009 at 9:18 am.
Hi Robin.
I don’t keep score – it sounds too much like hard work to me. I’ll answer your questions in order:
Do you get upset if somebody doesn’t call you as often as you call them? I have to say, I have a huge problem in this area because I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to keeping in touch with people; so the boot is more likely to be on the other foot, so to speak – i.e. people are likely to be annoyed because I haven’t called them back. In recent years I’ve tried to improve in this area but I do lose touch with people who, presumably, are annoyed that I didn’t ring back.
Do you keep track of who last did the dishes etc. ? I certainly do not but Mrs PM is 100% guilty of this. We have to take it in turns to do everything – washing up, cleaning, shopping, cooking – you name – we do it. And when I do something twice, eg cook, she forgets but when SHE does something twice, the whole of Manchester knows about it (and possibly the whole of the UK too).
Do you keep score in your relationships? Absolutely not. What’s the point?
The way I see it, everybody is different; I am the kind of laid-back person who really doesn’t care. I indulge Mrs PM in her “track keeping” because that’s the kind of person she is – otherwise I wouldn’t bother.
Ultimately I’m far too lazy and far too laid back to really care about score-keeping because in the end it causes too much trauma and I’m so absent-minded and scatterbrained that I would forget and probably be accused of being a stalker.
Cheers
PM
Robin Replies while laughing out loud
So Mr. Plastic Man, you are soooooo laid back that you’re lazy. Alrighty then!!! LOL! My husband would laugh over this. He would and does take it so far as to tell me that he is so laid back that he can’t think when things are orderly. The more chaos the clearer he can think. He tells me to never tidy his office (here at home) because when it’s messy he knows exactly where everything is. The hysterical part of this is that it is ME who knows where everything is. When he loses a quick-drive or his glasses or a book I actually find it in the chaos. So we have this ongoing funny theme of his office, which I call “the pit”. Once a young friend of ours, about 4 years old, came to visit and she wanted to play hide and seek and she was running from me to hide, opened the door to my sweetheart’s office, stood stock still, gaping, and then she turned to me and said, “Oh yes, we have a messy storage room like this at home too.” Then she slammed the door and turned away. I laughed out loud. Then when I told her is was an office, she giggled and said, “Oh don’t be silly; nobody could have an office like THAT!” Which I of course promptly told my husband with great glee.
Okay, I got off track there, which I often do with you when humor is involved! LOL!!! The one thing I was so glad to hear you say, was your hopelessness at keeping in touch with people. I am the exact same way. I would just meet people when I ran into them…or not. I’m sure I drive many crazy from this trait. I am trying to improve…and yet, I don’t want to improve too much as it would no longer really be me. They would get their response, but my heart would not be in it. My heart would be halfway up a mountain trail or in a kayak on a river. Regardless, I am very easy come easy go. My life is so full and I get so many emails, calls, etc., and from REALLY good people. But I could never keep up with them all and have a life. I’ve yet to work out how people do it. In fact, I have to remind myself that it is MY life and I only have this one go around so I must choose wisely. And it’s not about love. I love so many people. It’s about making sure we don’t sell our soul down the river, that we don’t over extend, that we listen to our heart. Thank you my delightfully funny friend. Wonderful!
[Reply]
Sara Says:
2 July 2009 at 12:16 pm.
Robin,
I have to think about this. There are some things I keep score on…was my birthday remembered and by whom…who fed the dog last and how many M&Ms did JC (my boyfriend) get versus how many I got. On the other hand, I’ve been working really hard to not keep score. It can be struggle, for example, with comments to my blog. But I see this as a life lesson; something I’m meant to practice and learn to let things happen when they will.
Great post…thanks:~)
Robin Replies
Dear Sara, Welcome and thank you for stopping in!! I saw your blog just now and it is lovely and moving. Re your comment here: I applaud you for being this honest about yourself. That in itself is very touching. I also encourage you to keep seeing it as a life lesson and practicing letting go. I think at some point in our lives most of us keep score. It really helps if we can ask ourselves what we are afraid of or concerned about “if”…..my birthday isn’t remembered, if I fed the dog last, if he gets more M&Ms than I do….(well, I might draw the line at the M&Ms). LOL!! Just kidding. As to your blog, I learned that I couldn’t possibly visit all the blogs that visit mine, it was taking days out of my week and keeping me up all night and so I have to stagger people as well as let them come and go when they are moved. Once I saw this I started to get more visits to my site than I could almost handle. It’s weird, but I really think there is something in the old adage, “Only when we let go can we receive.” (Not sure on the exact words.) It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t look after ourselves or that we should let others walk over us. I have just found that the more I let go the more of what I need or want appears in my life. It really does work. Thank YOU for your visit and kind words.
[Reply]
Sandra Says:
2 July 2009 at 12:25 pm.
I have to be honest that when I was younger, I used to play the score game. Which friend called last, invited me out, yada, yada, yada. However, as I got older and recognized that, we all lead busy lives and that I could not call people as often as I wanted to, I shifted my perspective. It was interesting to note that it wasn’t until I was the one falling short, that I could see the other side. Now I cherish the sentiment when someone says I was thinking about you. That in itself means a lot. Keeping score wastes energy and doesn’t give time for friendships to organically grow and develop.
Robin Replies
Hey my friend! Good to see you again. I love this comment. Two things really jump out at me. When you talked of being older, more busy and no longer able to call people as often as you wanted to, and how your perspective shifted. Yes, isn’t that wonderful when that happens. I too had the same experience many years ago. It was one of those Ahh ha! moments that changed how I saw the situation. So I now know how people feel when I can’t call and I also know what it feels like to not be able to call often or at all. I too cherish the sentiment of someone thinking of me…and I KNOW they mean it. —I also just LOVE what you wrote about allowing friendship to “organically develop”. That is SO beautiful Sandra. I believe there is a time for everything and when we force a friendship we may get the person to call or write or “do” but their soul may not be in it. I adore people that I might not see or heard from or communicated with for months or even years and I meet them and it is like we just talked yesterday. None of this, “you never called”, “why didn’t you write?” “You didn’t return, send, or do what you were supposed to do.” Instead they just start telling you about their lives and what they’ve done and how they are and the flow of life moves on smoothing and uninterrupted, which is really how the flow of life works. There is no time and we are all connected always. Thank you for inspiring me, Sandra. You always have.
[Reply]
Michael C. Dewey Says:
2 July 2009 at 12:55 pm.
Oh I was the 9th. My best connection is with #1 for our Political views are closest. The others all are doing things in their ways. My youngest Sister is almost close to me, but she sometimes is just too bossy. None of them have yet to bring down their walls. I’m willing to… if solutions to this Beautiful Troubled Planet are offered.
(This link is on its way to many others in my email.)
Robin Replies
Dear Michael, thank you for sharing this. Families are fascinating and to see you share about yours so honestly makes it more real for others. We often think we are supposed to have the perfect family and end up comparing our families to TV shows, other appearingly perfect families and etc., so I just love this laid out here and it is what it is. I often love talking to my youngest brother #6 and hearing his perspective on growing up with 5 others before him.
[Reply]
Liara Covert Says:
2 July 2009 at 2:26 pm.
As a person learns to detach from judgment, from comparison and anything other than love, then the inclination to generate anger fades. Fear is no longer part of perceptual vocabulary. You transcend those things that obscured the truth. Instead, you choose to see and feel truth.
Robin Replies
Hi Dear Liara, Yes! I absolutely agree. Once we realize we are Love and really feel this deep in our bones, little else matters. Above all, fear fades away to non-existence. We begin to realize that fear never did exist. I think we not only grow to see and feel truth, but we simply become truth. This is a very lovely sharing Liara. I appreciate you always bring those around you back to Love. I really resonate with that.
[Reply]
Dorothy Stahlnecker Says:
2 July 2009 at 7:38 pm.
Rarely to never, I can’t be bothered I’m so dam secure I told my family (when I had cancer) to promise not to tell anyone if I died I only wanted them to see me alive. What’s important in life is what you have when you are able to be with those you love and care about whether by phone, letter email or thoughts. Life is so filled with pressure and the unexpected I rarely need or desire to add any to those who love me. Therefore, knowing and loving beyond the protocol is my motto.
I really enjoyed this post if only more people could understand when you are connected and care about someone you don’t have to be in their company or keep track of how many phone calls or cards in order to feel the security of knowing they’re with you when you need them thus keep writing this great stuff if makes so much sense.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Robin Replies
Dear Dorothy, This whole comment come from a woman who has lived deeply and cherishes Life and who has brushed shoulders with Death and faced both with courage, grit and an open heart and mind. And now she has her priorities lined up straight and solid. She sees the things in life that really TRULY matter and lets the rest go. It is this quality in you that makes me feel so grounded around you, so comforted and honored to be part of your world.
[Reply]
Lisleman Says:
2 July 2009 at 7:42 pm.
It can be a bad trap to get into. This reminds of that speech called sunscreen. In it are the words:
“…sometimes your’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, the race is long, in the end it’s only with yourself…”
Robin Replies
Dear Lisleman, I love this quote. I’d not heard it. It is SO true and speaks of a truth we all need to remember. I also like you words about score keeping being a “bad trap” to get into. That is so true and we need to see it in that light so as to not get pulled away from what is really important to us. We can either have a life or keep score. I’m going for the life. Thank you for sharing this.
[Reply]
Robb Says:
3 July 2009 at 2:51 am.
Kia ora Robin,
Greetings Wild Sister! I agree completely with Liara, particularly her words about “detaching from judgment”. It has taken me a lifetime to detach myself from that, and I can only give Aroha to Nature and the Mountains for continually teaching that to me. Nature does not judge us, some might write even care about us. Yet the Gifts available to us in a completely non judgmental environment, well, Wild Sister, I have no words to write, except that if I had said them to you in your presence you would smile and agree with.
This last month has been a pretty wild ride for many reasons, difficult decisions to be made. And one of the finest aspects to learn about myself, my relationship to my darling wife, my boys, is that I do not keep score anymore, and I certainly used to in every way imaginable. I am cleaning all that out, I only have room for Aroha. Rave On Wild Sister, and Kia Ora for being around me when I struggled in these recent interesting times. I have come out the other side better for the journey. Rave On Wild One! Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb
Robin Replies
Dear Robb, I just love this comment as always it is FILLED with your genuine heart and soul, as if fresh from the mountains. I COMPLETELY understand about being in nature and how she does not judge us in any way. She is pure acceptance and love. Judgment is a human condition, but in nature a whole other set of laws blessedly apply. I write about this in my book. When I came out of the rainforest after years out of society I was stunned by the force of the unspoken judgments, score keeping and silent agreements both conscious and unconscious in society…and it was accepted behavior. Nature is SO clean and simply just IS. I love that and give thanks for it everyday. Also Robb, I am so very very honored to part of your life and share in the highs AND the lows and challenges we all face. Like Lance says all mountains have ups and downs. You are truly a brother, if not in blood then soul and spirit. My thoughts are with you and your beautiful family…even when I am not at this dang computer. You guys are just part of me. Aroha Always Wild Brother. And yes, rave on.
[Reply]
eddie Says:
3 July 2009 at 9:59 am.
The key is realizing that happiness is self generated I think.. relying on externals…things or people to make your existence ‘OK’ is not ok. It is in fact a recipe for disappointment. This is often a very difficult lesson to learn. What has been central in my life lesson over the last couple of years has been two things.. Expectation and attachment. Having left them at the altar has allowed the celebration to begin. Ha!
As usual Robin an awesome post…you are a gem!!!
btw…I really am going to send that photo…really..but I know your not keeping score!!!
Robin Replies
Dear eddie, YOU are such a gem! I really like what you said about happiness being self-generated. If we don’t even know how to make ourselves happy how do we know what we REALLY want from someone else that will ‘supposedly’ make us happy. Once we KNOW how to make ourselves happy we: 1) we aren’t reliant on others to create a life for us. 2) we can let others clearly and actively know what we need when we are around them. —-I REALLY like what you said here. When we do rely on others it is a continual recipe for disappointment. In fact we are almost setting ourselves up to confirm a feeling we may want confirmed in an unhealthy way….that we are not loved, because ‘other’ is not meeting our needs. —You know, eddie, it really is a celebration when we let go and find and experience our own happiness. It is total freedom. —Re: the photo. I am counting. It’s now been 69 1/2 days. ROFL!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! Now see, I like that you are ‘in my debt’, LOLOLOL!!!! It will keep us in touch. I can see it now when we are both 90 years old. We are about the same age, so when we hit 90 I will be saying, It’s 900, 345, 324 days since your mentioned the photo. LOLOLOL!!!!! Oh eddie thank you dear friend for making me laugh!! I love it.
[Reply]
Evita Says:
3 July 2009 at 5:26 pm.
This is probably the shortest comment I will ever have here Robin 
The answer is: no to all of the above.
It makes life now so much more free, fun, richer, deeper and meaningful I feel.
I feel blessed that I was able to discern the difference and choose another way, for it has served me and my partner really well.
And I love too what Eddie said, about personal happiness coming from within, it really does.
Robin Replies
Dear Evita, This was a “no brainer” with you. I could see all over your face that you don’t keep score. There is a light, uplifted and totally free energy to your whole face. And yes, to recognize this at your age is SUCH an amazing and wonderful thing because it really does make such a difference in our relationships. I agree. Yes, Eddie’s comment resonated with me as well. Thank you for stopping in dear Evita. I always feel inspired.
[Reply]
Tammy-Cricket Says:
5 July 2009 at 7:54 am.
Honest answer here. I lost myself for a while trying to keep up with the fast world. I tried to keep up with everyone and their wishes. One day…I woke up. Actually not long ago. The thing that I noticed about myself was that I never made it clear what was important to me because I didn’t want to loose the connection or seem to be like too much work to those around me that I loved. I did keep score. When I did something I expected a thank you. I did to please and I guess I really wanted a reward from it.
Now, I am completely opposite. I guess being mentally drained was the best thing that could have happened to me. I started spending more time alone. More time with myself. I stopped noticing that someone wasn’t saying “thank you” and I stopped keeping score. I feel good when I do what I feel from the heart. Love is what I feel. If those around me don’t respond I am happy to know they know I love them. I’m there for them always. I just might not be there for them to lean on all the time. My tree became heavy trying to carry all the burdens of others. Trying to please them.
Life is so short to be keeping score. Blogging is a good example. When I began I found myself only visiting blogs that made comments. Then I found myself in a strange place. I had cut myself off from other people that I might be missing. Blogging to me has opened up a huge world of friends because I have let go of trying to make a connection with everyone that passes my way. Oh, how I love people. Oh, how I wish I could meet everyone. But…I can’t. Each day is new and I just don’t worry about it anymore.
There is a quote that I simply adore.
“Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?-Fanny Brice
I ran across this quote a while back. Just last night I awoke with this in my mind. I began writing in my daily journal about my thoughts on this. Maybe I will share it soon on my blog.
Thank you Robin for being one of those that doesn’t keep score with me. I adore you for this. I see your little messages that make me smile but ya know….I know you know I read them and I know you know I appreciate them even though I may not always say so. See…that is love.
Robin Replies
Dear Little Cricket! I LOVE this whole comment. I just know what you mean and how you feel. It’s like you speak of me as well. I so relate to the being happy knowing that someone knows you love them and that being enough. And the time alone can certainly ground us back into ourselves where (if we choose) we begin to find our OWN happiness and are not reliant on others to create that happiness for us. We find our own inner peace and are actually quite wonderfully content with the world. From this place we can let others come and go as they need and just love them. And by the way, I never notice that you were NOT here, because you are always with me. Literally I think of you on my walks because we are two women who walk a similar path. I feel your soul walking with mine. Isn’t that soooo cool?!!
I also really needed to hear what you said about blogging and it not being possible to visit all the blogs that visit yours. I am like you, even though I cherish my time alone in nature, I love people and wish I could do all but I am rapidly realizing I canNOT do it all, nor do I want to. I begin to let go and let my heart lead me where it wants to go. From there I think the best things unfold. They will be the most true. I am so glad you are seeking and being your most authentic self as it encourages me to be the same, and it is all I ever want.
[Reply]
gene Says:
6 July 2009 at 4:12 am.
brrrrrrrr..
I used to keep scores, and tried my best to make everyone feel guilty for not replying quickly enough.. No, I don’t do that any more, but I do have a friend that sort of does. I visit her at work on a Sunday, and when I leave she said I must text her, and I say no, then she said ok, she will text me.. It doesn’t happen, I hear nothing from her for 2 or 3 days, and when she does text me then, then I’m the bad guy who is quiet and doesn’t text.. Weird!
But yeah I think I used to be like that, made people feel guilty for not replying, and even get into a fight with friends for not replying. (that was a looong time ago when I was still in school) These days I just let it go, if I text them or email them I don’t check up on them, if they want to reply they can,if not it’s also ok, but I think the bad thing is, these days I’m thinking more like “Why do I email them??? I’m not going to get a response anyway??” And I think maybe that is also bad, but I don’t hold it against them if they don’t, what makes me angry is if they hold it against me for maybe not replying!!
Why do we do it? I don’t know!! Maybe if has something to do with us wanting to feel wanted or needed! I think the biggest thing that messed this all up was technology!! We expect a quick reply! I mean it take a second for you to receive an email or text message, why do you take forever to reply???? I think we have to accept that life still goes on beyond email and text, although some people has phones growing out of their hands (bet they reply in a very quick manner)
Robin Replies
Dear Gene, RE: “Brrrrrr” — sure rub it in! LOL!! I am not hearing you. My fingers are still in my ears and I am singing Lalalalalalalaalalalal!! It is wonderfully sunny here! I am basking in sun, SO MUCH sun that I am have shorts and tank top on. SO MUCH sun that I can go barefoot. Sooooooooooooo MUCH sun!!! LOLOLOL!! Poor you down there in Africa’s cold days. Awww, my heart goes out to you even as I gloat. LOL!! Hee hee!!
OKAY, I’ll behave. I really think there is something to what you said about technology. We are addicted to our fast food, fast travel, fast communications and we become exceedingly impatient if someone doesn’t get back to us FAST! I also agree with you that we forget and must accept that life really does go on beyond email and text, beyond cell phones and TV. Beyond it all we must live lives that require us to do laundry, be with “physical” friends, people we can hear and touch and see, require us to do the dishes, feed the dog, plant the garden…and hopefully blessedly be in nature. As you know, for me, technology could never replace nature. I HAVE to be in nature. It is there that I FEEL who I am. Who I really am. Thank you dear Gene for your insights and for making me laugh so hard from one simple “Brrrrr”. LOLOLOL!!!
[Reply]
Shirley Says:
8 July 2009 at 4:23 am.
Do I keep scores? I have three very small children and a puppy. I don’t get enough sleep to remember who did what last. Even now I’m zombieafied. That’s my new word .
I think I used to though.
Robin Replies
LOLOL!!! Zombieafied! I love that. It is now MY new word and exactly how I feel at the end of a long day online. I laugh over the reality of kids. Right on! Who can keep score with 3 little ones and puppy underfoot. Life become VERY real VERY fast. And priorities line up really quickly. I love that!! ((Hugs))
[Reply]
Kit Says:
9 July 2009 at 9:05 am.
Reading your questions, I can honestly answer “no” to most of them. When it comes to housework, that’s largely because I am the only one who does any of it! LOL. (But Billy does lots of other things.) When it comes to relationships, my lack of concern for “scorekeeping” is usually a very good thing. People often forget things, or say/do things they really don’t mean. I don’t worry about keeping track of all these transgressions- it’s the true, underlying intent that matters, not the fleeting forgetfulness or burst of emotion. The trick is to see the greater picture, and treat a relationship accordingly.
(Aside: This works the other way, too: it’s important to recognize a relationship that is pleasant in short term interaction, but a waste of your time in the big picture. Not to say that such a relationship must end, but when it comes to relationships, I seek to spend my time with people who offer a deeper, meaningful interaction.)
Unfortunately, my lack of concern for others’ temporary transgressions sometimes leads to me being unaware of my own. I try my best to maintain a high level of integrity in my own actions, while being understanding of others’ shortcomings.
One last thought I had: while I do tend to automatically forget the transgressions of others in my relationships, if there is difficulty brewing between us then it can be helpful to analyze exactly what is going on, and perhaps take note of small things that are contributing. It is in these instances that I have to train myself to remember those things that are illustrative, so that I can use them to communicate clearly about what I need and what might improve our situation. Experience has taught me that many people need a few concrete examples if they are to listen constructively to what I have to say. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn- my natural inclination is to forget the details, and not hold grudges. But used carefully and occasionally, with a clear head, a teeny bit of scorekeeping can go a long way toward facilitating growth.
[Reply]
