Who Will Take the First Step?
Posted by Robin Easton
A look at forgiveness in the face of hate: Some time ago Liara Covert of Dream Builders Australia did an insightful post titled: What do you do if someone hates you? Below is part of my response to that post, with additional thoughts added.
1. When I feel hate from someone else, which almost never happens, I say to myself, “Although I’m not responsible for another’s choice to hate, is there anything real I might have done that I need to take responsibility for?”
2. Then I choose to look at the situation on a soul or psychic level. I like to distinguish what might be someone else’s feelings and what are mine. I can all too often and too easily feel another person’s feelings. So I like to separate their feelings from mine. It allows me to more clearly see the situation and let go.
3. I’ve always seen hate as a secondary emotion, the original or base emotion being fear. I’ve experienced life as two fundamental emotions: fear and love, with various off shoots from these two emotions. In many cases if we can get to the base emotion we can more readily understand what’s really happening.
4. I’ve learned to not carry someone else’s emotions out of my own past conditioning. Example: If someone hates me (or is angry with me) and I take on that hate by feeling hurt or bad about myself — as if I deserve to be hated — I confirm several things for this person: A. That it’s okay to hate. B. That what they are doing is working and okay to do with me. C. That they are a bad person. When someone treats us poorly and we respond with either hurt or anger, in their mind it often equates to, “See? I’ve hurt someone again, so I really must be a bad person.” I don’t think anyone really wants to hate. It hurts to hate another person.
5. I’ve learned that I can set solid boundaries; I don’t have to stay in the presence of someone who’s sending out hate. It’s not good for my spirit and soul. Likewise I’ve also learned to model love in the face of hate. If I feel love toward myself then I won’t identify with someone’s hate. I see that I am worthy of love, even with my failings and mistakes.
6. I try to meet anger or hate with real love, given freely, no returns expected. I go into myself and find the soul of that person who’s hurting or frightened and I tell them they’re safe and loved, and not just by me but by Life. I’ve seen amazing results doing this, even over great distance. I forgive them and myself. I forgive even while they are in a state of hate, because they are in a state of hate, because they are part of me and I am part of them. In forgiving them I forgive myself.
7. I’ve learned that in many cases people do change. People do heal. People do learn to love. Meeting hate with love and forgiveness can change (save) lives. It may take time, but no love, no forgiveness is ever wasted.
8. When we forgive someone else we’re really forgiving ourselves, every time. It’s easier to forgive if we can look at forgiveness as a gift we give ourselves as opposed to something we do for someone else or something we have to do.
9. As children we were often forced by our parents to forgive other people, even when we didn’t feel sorry, even when we did nothing inappropriate. We learn to see forgiveness as a loss of self, something we have to give someone else instead of something we give ourselves. Forgiveness sets us free and on its deepest level is really about self not “other”.
10. There are many in the world who’ve been crushed by heinous acts of hate. These souls may never be able to forgive or even find peace. Some haven’t seen kindness in so long they know the world only as cruel. But for many of us there is so much we can forgive. We must do it for those who are unable to forgive. We must do it for ourselves. We must forgive with no expectations in return, do it because we want an end to war, do it because no one else may do it, ever. Forgive simply because we like who we are and how we feel when we forgive. Forgive because it fills our world with hope; another drop of love falls into The Great Ocean of Peace. Will you take the first step with those in your life?
“Given the chance our love is like the gnarled and twisted tree. Exposed to the elements of wind and rain, it will hold fast to become a thing of beauty, a timeless work of art.” ~ Robin Easton
Much Love,
Robin
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This Site: © Robin Easton
Website: http://www.nakedineden.com
Blog: http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/
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25 Comments so far...
rich Says:
15 June 2009 at 7:17 pm.
as a child i had serious learning challenges. adhd and depression combined with a mom and dad who were having serious marital problems. mom suffered severe depression and dad soon became an alcoholic. they were ill prepared to deal with a hyperactive “problem child”.
school was a nightmare for me. to have to sit still for hours upon hours was torture. the result was that i acted out in school. so much so that i would actually go into the cloak room, get my belongings and leave the building. added to all my other issues, the reaction at home was less than productive.
my father, who was a brilliant musician (we hail from a family of musicians/music teachers) was a “problem child” as well. growing up in the thirties and forties, corporal punishment was the standard – and my grandfather, who’s nickname was “buck”, was a strong proponent… my father finally left home at 17, telling his mother that he could not take another beating from his father.
it was impossible for me as a child to be still and conform to rules and regulations, let alone, stick my nose inside a book and concentrate. just as it was impossible for my father to cut against the grain and tutor a difficult child until he was able to grasp the tasks at hand. simple arithmetic works here. bad kid plus an alcoholic, abused father equals an endless parade of weekly beatings.
for years i accepted that i was an evil person who deserved punishment- but as time went on, i found that i was enraged by those who bullied and abused others. at about the same time, i found the hippie movement, social unrest, psychedelics and free love. i was hungry for the new awakening among the youth of my time. a world of peace and treating people with respect, as a way of life, was such a beautiful notion. i channeled my repressed rage into the peace and social movements. but there was a dark side- i could not maintain relationships.
it seemed that every time i got close to anyone, we would have a falling out of some kind. as time went on, the thought occurred to me that the only constant in the equation was me. i began to read everything i could get my hands on about the human psyche. it began to sink in that i had serious issues that were sabotaging my life. so i summoned up the courage to get myself into therapy.
i’ll never forget the first session. i sat white-knuckled in the chair and said “there’s something wrong with me and i’m unable to sort it all out”. i need help. the counselor assured me that i was in the right place… long story short- many years later i was able to understand.
i wasn’t a bad child. i’m not a bad person. i had serious learning problems and a disfunctional family. none of us could have done anything differently. and that was the point. we were all doing the best we could under the circumstances… once i understood, the forgiveness came of it’s own accord. my parents are both dead now, but i found forgiveness in my heart. my father drank himself to death around the time i began to find forgiveness for him and i’m happy to say that i could be there with my mom when she passed…
i believe that i was given my challenges as a way to develop understanding and compassion for those in this world who suffer the many pitfalls this world offers. i’m grateful that i’m able to overcome my obstacles. and i look back, cherish and remember the good times i had with my family.
thanks to you robin. today you are an angel sent to remind us of our blessings.
love, rich
Robin Replies
My dear beautiful friend, I am HONORED to publish this. I am sitting here crying from it. I am hugging you for sharing this so honestly, straight from your heart. I am blown away by the depth of your insight, compassion and forgiveness, which I’ve seen reflected in your daily exchanges with others. You have just confirmed for me a deep core truth of hope and healing, one that so many with less extreme circumstances often throw out the window. You are living proof of someone who not only forgave under some of the hardest circumstance, but who genuinely reached a deeper peace, which has enriched your life and the way you view the world. I am floored. It explains the depth of the comments you leave on these pages. You have come to know Life in the most holistic or intrinsic way. You have used everything thrown at you to grow and to understand yourself, your fellow humans and life itself.
You wrote: “i believe that i was given my challenges as a way to develop understanding and compassion for those in this world who suffer the many pitfalls this world offers. i’m grateful that i’m able to overcome my obstacles. and i look back, cherish and remember the good times i had with my family.” —Yes, I agree and know what you are saying. It’s as if you wrote the words printed on my own heart. Thank you so much for this great gift Rich. You have lived a pithy life and although much of it very painful you have not wasted it. And now you share that growth and wisdom with others. Believe me when I say, you make a difference. Love, Robin
[Reply]
Robb Says:
15 June 2009 at 8:32 pm.
Kia ora Robin,
I feel much kindred to Rich above in many ways. To feel hate, to me, is a lack of my own self esteem and that is something I have worked on very hard to overcome. It leads me to your point number 6, and by my own refusal to hate, I therefore love, like giving out soul hugs to people who hate, or hate their own bitter and twisted lives and we see it oozing from them. They need hugs not more hate!
I guess that is why the mountains, and nature call to me so strongly. There is nothing there to possibly hate, and by accepting myself and my environment completely and totally, I am surrounded by nothing but Love, and I am Love.
I cannot fathom or imagine anyone ever hating you my Wild Sister. Rave on Kia kaha!
Aroha,
Robb
Robin Replies
My Dear Wild Brother, This is such an poignant look at your heart, for me. I see this aspect of you and it makes me just respect you even more. I agree, as hard as it can be for us humans at times to love or hug someone who is filled with anger or aggression, it really is what they need. Hate is the absence of Love. I too am this way when I’m in a store or the bank or wherever and someone is really spiteful, I simply be extra kind and loving. There have been many times that it turns people around, even stuns them into tears, both men and woman. ….as if they had not felt kindness their whole lives. Maybe they haven’t. And the catch 22 there is that due to that lack they’ve become angry and aggressive and sometimes violent and continue to push away the very thing they need….love, kindness and forgiveness. So what you are doing when you go around hugging everyone like you do is breaking the chain of hate. And creating a bubble of love all around you. Creating your reality in the world. —As you know, I too know the wild as only Love and in it — like you — I too am pure Love. Aroha….Always Robb, Robin
[Reply]
Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills Says:
15 June 2009 at 8:38 pm.
Nice article Robin. I operate much like you do when confronted with negative emotions. Those emotions belong to someone else and I have no intention of getting sucked into them. I do however like to examine my own behavior to see if I could be acting in a way that may have contributed to their negativity. The thing about fear is that most of the time it is founded in insecurity. I tend to be very secure in my own person. On occasion, that can trigger negative feelings in those who suffer from high levels of insecurity. In cases like this, it is only possible to help the other person if we can avoid the tendency to take their actions personally.
Robin Replies
Dear Jonathan, Wow, this comment is so insightful on so many levels that I really relate to. The not getting sucked in, the examining our own behavior to take responsibility for anything we may be doing, etc. I especially related to and liked hearing about your being secure in yourself and how that can occasionally trigger negative feelings in others if they suffer low self-esteem. I think it is important to be aware of this dynamic. It was one that I was totally unaware of up until a few years ago. I lived so much of my adult life out of society and once around more people I had to learn these things. My husband helped me better understand this astounding (to me) dynamic. I also agree that if someone is acting/reacting in an aggressive manner from a place of low self-esteem that it is vitally important not to take their behavior personally; that’s one I am learning. What you are talking about here is a very shewed and intelligent way of thinking and being. And if we are secure in our selves then it is also important not to hide our light or be less than who we are so that someone else might feel better about themselves. I see a lot of people diminish who they are so that they won’t get hurt and so that they aren’t a threat to others around them. This doesn’t help anyone. Thank you for your wisdom, Jonathan. I so appreciate it.
[Reply]
starflight/marcel lemieux Says:
15 June 2009 at 10:53 pm.
Forgiveness…..a true story.
i,m 8 years old, my mom just died..but i don,t understand that..we are at the funeral parlor.
I see my mom sleeping in a big box..lots of tall peoples around and my dad..i get up to go see my mom,reach out to touch her face, odd its cold..and then wham..i,m on the floor getting the biggest beating a child could ever have..fists and kicks and all..its my dad..eventually an aunt and uncle grab me and somehow i landed in another town with them…later..i lost track of time..i,m brought back home…everybody is there except mom..i,m a bit confused..i go to her room and search for her, for her clothing..anything..all is gone…later a women is there and my dad says..this is your mom….in my mind i went ..no way……a rebel was born….23 years later i,m in a therapist room, he sense a deep soul hurt and burden..he walk me in a hypnotic scenario and make,s me re-live the event which he seem,s to have sensed..but without the violence..i reach out and touch my mom face..it,s a stuffed one but i do it…than he explained that she is dead and she is doing fine now…..i do cry a lot there..2 weeks later i decide to go see my dad and forgiveness was already clear in my mind..here we are at the kitchen table..dad i forgive you and you don,t scare me anymore…what do you mean he say,s..i say you killed me when i was 8 years old..he cry,s like a baby and then tell,s me his early life story..kick out of home by a stepfather and earning his life at 12 years old….(we became friends)..and at time,s, i would go visit him and we would talk about all sorts of things..he admired me for raising 2 boys on my own…he died 3 years later….i got from a shoebox a first time picture of me at 6 years old…me really ..a week later i rented a hotel room, lock the door and had a look at that picture..cried a lot and then made a promise to my inner child..that never again someone will touch or hurt him..i will always be there..and i keep my promise,s…so to end this story..forgiveness for me was a big leap into love of me and those around me..i have passed the test sort of speak..and continue on even today when i,m confronted with hate or other disturbing emotions, i know that my happiness depends only of me, my attitude and the way i see things..i,m grateful, i,m today blessed and i agree with you we can use love on many levels to create harmony and soften the hate,s….peace
Robin Replies
Dear Marcel, Wow!!! What a beautifully told story. Like Rich’s story it moved me to tears. I am so happy for you because you are someone with a brave, loving, forgiving heart. And YOU chose that, YOU made the choices to forgive and love, AND you gathered your courage and bravely took that first step to face your father, that took guts. Many people never even get that far. You confirm what is good in the world, what is possible for so many of us. It can often be easier for us to remain cynical and say that it’s not worth it, but I think that can sometimes be a defense again having to feel the pain of what happened, or face the fear of yet another rejection, or any number of emotions. It really does require being vulnerable and raw. And yet like you and Rich, I believe it is so worth it.
I also LOVE the beautiful idea of you looking at the 6 year old boy in the photo and promising him that you would never again let anyone hurt him. And that you would always be there for him. What a gift you gave him/you that day. I really believe there is great power in doing this with a childhood photo we relate to. I have done it many times with my favorite childhood photo. It reminds me of a post I did called: “Nobody Could Love Me” Thank you my dear friend for sharing such a poignant story and truth. I simply feeds the soul. And peace to you as well. Robin.
[Reply]
lilly Says:
15 June 2009 at 11:07 pm.
Hi Robin, I really needed a post like this right about now.
I think Number 5, 8 and 10 on your list are very, very important.
Rich’s comment drew some tears from me as well. I’ts so sad what happens; things can happen as children and how it hurts our self-esteem for so long. If I had one wish in the world it would be that as adults, as parents, we would see how fragile the self esteem of children is and how all of us need to handle it like an 1,000 year old egg and not pass on our own issues to our kids. Easier said than done when its also dangerous to create a generation of narcissists too. I guess its all about the journey we are making but if all of us had stronger personal boundaries oh how the world would be a different place.
Lovely post Ms Robin and I have been very slack and not visiting the blogs I love so much. I am so glad I stopped by. I have just learned to forgive myself recently – however I still cannot do the same for someone else though, but hey, it will come! Take Care!
Robin Replies
Dear Lilly, it always warms my heart to see you here. I too have had little time for leaving comments due to work, but I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I just worked out how to use the RSS feed on my browser and added your site to it a few days ago. So I will be by soon. You KNOW you are always in my heart. We started this whole path together at the same time, and whether you come here or not you have have been with me ever since, always will be. —-I really enjoyed your insights here. I can only imagine how hard it might be raising children and finding that balance between handling a child’s self-esteem like a 1,000 year old egg and yet not spoiling them. —-And I think what you said is the key, our lives as parents or children will never be perfect and can’t be, but perfection is not what it’s about, it’s the journey, the growth, what we learn and who we choose to be and become. —-Also touched that you have learned to forgive yourself. You are one who is so worthy of forgiveness and love. AND one who is so generous of spirit and lovable. I know this firsthand…I know how you’ve been with me. —-And re: the one you can’t yet forgive, I think it all happens in the right time. And I know it WILL come. Thank you dear Lilly.
[Reply]
Chrissy Says:
16 June 2009 at 1:43 am.
Dear Robin, you are one of the few people I know that could say this and I know you mean it.
Now to be controversial, it wouldn’t work for me. I don’t love too many people! I care and I always try to be kind to others and I treat everyone in the way I would wish to be treated….but I don’t really think in terms of forgiveness.
Along the way I know there are a few people that seriously dislike me for various reasons. I can remember being quite horrified when I first realised. How on earth could I invoke dislike/hatred in someone? But, it is easier than people realise.
What works for me?
Firstly, I can be very objective and work out a reason. This could be down to a number of things. Somehow, having a “why” can make it easier. Then, as you say, I can examine if there is something that I may have inadvertently created or jealousy, etc, emotions experienced by the other which are beyond my ability to address. Then, if it is the latter, I accept it. I cannot be liked by everyone, I have long since moved on from wanting to be the “popular” person that I wanted to be in my schooldays. I am happy in my own skin.
Then I largely forget about it…
I confess to finding my negativity regarding others the most difficult. Someone has to seriously p!$$ me off by behaving very badly, usually bullying and treating others badly…
but, once my respect is lost…ho hum. I find those feelings quite hard to deal and they can be almost self destructive. So Robin, Liara…………
Robin Replies
Dear Chrissy, your kind words really moved me. To be seen by you touches my heart because I know you to be extremely loving, in the deepest way. —I really like your honest comment here about a few people disliking you. Yes, I remember the first time I learned of this and it was by someone I only met once or twice in passing. But I have also since learned that people do not have to really know you to dislike you. There can be many things that are threatening to people…even a loving nature, even a smile, a hug, intelligence, beauty, kindness, joy, talent…you name it. That was a fascinating reality for me, to see that dislike did not have to arise from a supposed negative characteristic trait. —I am slowly learning that not everyone will or has to like me. I too am happy in my own skin and with my life. As to school day, I was tormented or ignored all the way until I reached my freshman year in high school. Then I couldn’t stand it anymore and I somehow worked out what I had to do to become popular…and I was, but the odd part is this. Although I wasn’t tormented or ignored anymore and was very popular, I was still alone. Being popular was a very shallow thing for me. In choosing it I lost a lot of Robin, which I later took back in the rainforest. Now my focus is very much on how I can be the most authentic Robin I can be whether that’s popular of not. That is all that has meaning to me. Thank you for your honesty Chrissy. PS: I am loving my “Deer Keeper” deer drawing. So precious.
[Reply]
Márcia Cobar Says:
16 June 2009 at 5:43 am.
Dear Robin,
I have read many pieces about love, but this is definitely one of the first ones Ive read on how to deal with hate. Your arguments are very interesting and I agree with all of them. In the essence, I’d say that only love can heal… And that the world gives us back the same vibes we give to it.
I’d also love to thank you for your WONDERFUL comment on my blog. It has brought tears to my eyes, your words really touched my soul. Dear Sister, thank you for taking the time to write and make my day so special. You are a wonderful soul and I find a lot of inspiration here on ur blog. Thanks for existing Robin.
Best wishes,
Márcia
Robin Replies
Dear Márcia, Delighted to see you here my beautiful light-filled friend. You always remind of an exotic flower; I think because you are so vibrant. —Yes, love is remarkable in it’s ability to heal. Often our love is having affects that we don’t even see. But I do know that we can NEVER go wrong in living, feeling and sharing love. —Also, I am so so so happy that you can let in the words I left on your blog. I really mean them. Also, KNOW that you an amazing inspiration to ME and anyone blessed to connect with you. You have never lost your innocence. We adults tend to associate innocence only with children, but innocence is a way of being in the world, where we are so alive, and open and curious to the great mystery of life. You are all those things. And no matter what pain life may have thrown your way you are not jaded by it….only wiser. Bless you dear friend.
[Reply]
Shirley Says:
16 June 2009 at 7:20 am.
What do I do when I experience hate against me? Being overweight that is a frequent thing. I try to ignore it but in the end I usually end in tears. People are too busy judging and too busy to get to know others.
Hate is like a disease. What I mean by that is I have truly only felt true honest to God hate for one person. When your sick you just want to be left alone to wallow in your misery. When you hate someone that festers so much that you do sometimes wallow in your own misery.
In the end I understood this person was just as miserable being himself. He knew on the hospital bed the pain that he passed away on the misery and pain he caused. My mother saw the fear of death enter his eyes when she said “I forgive you.” That very night he passed away.
When I received the phone call. I began to cry a little but I couldn’t get out all of my emotions. I didn’t know what to feel. Here is a man that wasn’t loved because of the crimes he committed against children, a man through 99.9% of my life I called dad.
When he died the hate left and pity began. It’s terribly sad when you die and no one loves you. It’s terribly sad when you know that no one loves you.
Hate of this man nearly caused the destruction of my family. I’m not so sure hate of him has ended. His death caused a split in the family and I’m not sure it can be fixed.
Hate is a disease.
Robin Replies
Dear Shirley, I am so humbled by this sharing that I hardly know what to say other than you are one brave beautiful soul. —Also, I know this may not help, but when someone hates of judges another for their weight, skin color, etc. that says more about them than the person they judge. It reflects there own self-hate, fear, low self-esteem and so forth. Those people who you WOULD want around you will simply see the amazing woman that you ARE. It’s very very obvious to me. You have been a great joy in my life, bringing with you laughter, love, sharing, warmth, insight, courage and more. And you did ALL THAT without us even meeting face to face. You are and will continue to move mountains in your lifetime. I saw it the first time I met you.
[Reply]
LIara Covert Says:
16 June 2009 at 9:55 am.
Dear Robin, this post offers meaningful food for thought. I am grateful you explore it as you do. Not everyone is ready or willing to acknowledge hate and the implications of understanding, denial or transcendence inside themselves. Awakening occurs in different ways for each soul. Some people focus on emotions. That is where they are right now. Other people no longer focus on certain ones or any, after working through them. Still other people do not sense any point to self-analysis. One can make an analogy with dreamwork. Some people find interpretation useful for what they choose to learn and heal within themselves. Other people believe they do not dream and have no interest in learning how. Some people reach out for guidance. Other people prefer to focus on the nature of their own inner journey or inner peace. Whatever a person’s choices, they make sense in a given moment. One can choose to awaken, change or, stay exactly as is. All choices exist now and always, regardless of what you notice.
Robin Replies
Dear Liara, what a lovely comment because it encompasses so many “states of being” or states of awareness without judgment. I’ve never looked at “becoming aware” as something on levels, but as you say each person experiencing and evolving in their on way and time. The path and experiences needed for one soul’s journey may not work for another soul. Who knows what direction a soul is headed and what they might be choosing to learn or experience, and for reasons that may not be seen or known to anyone. It really is quite astounding the mystery and magic of it all. I thank you again for inspiring me to write this post when you brought up the topic on your site. A beautiful gift.
[Reply]
Julie Says:
16 June 2009 at 2:57 pm.
Well, Robin, you already know I agree with everything you said.
Although, my story isn’t quite like the others,’ it is similar in that it reflects a roller coaster ride of painful exclusion in many forms. Being extraordinarily sensitive, I was intensely and deeply wounded by the slightest, well, slight, and left feeling as if the entire world had turned black—and that it was all my fault. The merest hint of any kind of personal attack and my world went topsy-turvy. (I was like this from the get-go. Imagine parenting me.) How hurtful, then, were the usual childhood instances we’ve all had, like the time my best friend suddenly turned on me mid-conversation and, with a pair of classroom shears, chased me with madness in her face as she threatened to cut my hair. I was very frightened and deeply disturbed that from a friendly conversation came such a hateful experience.
My own understanding came about through these types of exposures to hurts, followed by my own observations and much introspection—always founded on the great question “Why?” I learned that when we move past emotions and look for causes, we find that some sort of fear is the root of each attack. We often don’t see it, because it’s masquerading as anger, power, whatever… I also realized that (once again, with emotion removed) it is easy to see that there are no degrees of hurting, that no hurt is “bigger” or “smaller” or more extreme than another. There may be a more concentrated quantity of it (like in wars), but the root is always someone trying exercise some form of power against another, a single igniting spark within one person that is directed toward another. The fundamentals are the same, despite the circumstances. Outward reasons vary and aren’t important—except for inciting our own powers of understanding and loving forgiveness.
While I believe in my theory, I can’t say I consistently practice what I preach. I’m still quite sensitive and I’m still learning. I find my greatest challenge lies in those seemingly inconsequential moments with loved ones: being interrupted, dismissed, spoken sharply to… From anyone else, these are of no consequence, but from people who love me… Yes, it’s hard, sometimes, when I still find myself reacting instead of thinking.
What I believe is the bottom line in any kind of confrontation is to realize and then understand that each instance is simply a catalyst for our own spiritual progress, a learning opportunity, a chance for us to practice, yet again, the art of loving grace, to travel the road to unending self love and love of others. …the road to peace.
Forgiveness is the place of caring reason from which peace emerges.
Robin Replies
Dear Julie, Wow!! What a beautiful and highly insightful look at hate, fear, forgiveness and peace. Your writing is simply lovely and loving. I relate to so many aspects of this, especially when I was younger. I too was highly sensitive, but with time I have learned two things that help me. 1.) Is to not carry another person’s pain. Someone who is brow beating another person over mistakes made is not in a well place. I started to recognize that when someone is coming from a place of acknowledging their own humanity (human failings) and also takes full responsibility for their life they do not brow beat another person when that other person makes mistakes. Or if they do lose it once in awhile they apologize. AND what they might do is talk with the other person about the mistakes made, come to some kind of understanding about them with the other person. When we acknowledge our own humanity, failings, mistakes and all, we are less quick to judge or want to punish another person through hate or anger. 2.) I learned that I too am allowed my humanity. I do the best I can in each situation, but I am STILL a human being capable of fatigue, mistakes, incorrect choices, AND that I get to be human. I do not have to tip toe through life in fear of making a mistake or upsetting someone. One day many years ago I just said to myself, “Welcome to the human race. I am going to allow myself my humanity. I will do the best that I possibly can in any given situation and then I have to let go. Love myself, forgive myself my mistakes, learn from them, but NOT beat up on Robin if she is not perfect 24/7.” And we essentially beat up on ourselves when we allow another person to beat upon us. And we do the same when we carry their pain. Once I made the choice to LOVE myself, embrace all of me, mistakes and all, I no longer felt the need to carry another persons, anger, hate, aggression, etc. No one should do that. It doesn’t serve either party. I really enjoyed your honest talk about your own sensitivity. We much alike in so many ways. But that same sensitivity allows us to feel the world with all of our pores wide open. I would not trade it for anything. I simply learn to understand it better. You sensitivity is one of your great gifts. Thank you dear Julie, very much.
[Reply]
ZuzannaM Says:
16 June 2009 at 3:25 pm.
Dear Robin
“To forgive is to free ourselves from guilt and anger and become a loving human being, forgiveness is using honesty, compassion, and self-awareness to reconcile with someone who has hurt you. ”
To create happiness and love one needs to look deeply inside the heart, acknowledge that only positive and loving attitude will take him or her ahead in life, also will create less stress. Smile does not cost anything but it is a sign of love. After many years of looking at life I have realized, that to be in peace with myself I have to forgive the hater. The only way to accomplish this was to forgive them being cruel. Forgiveness is a starting point of healthy relationship. It may not change the past but it can certainly change the future. Moreover, the forgiveness is a major attribute of a human being. There are many difficult life situations with hater. Often occurs in a family relationship as well as in a work place. That causes a difficult and very unpleasant to deal with. On one hand, we have a rules and regulations that teach respect in a work place, and on the other, we see the anger that is address to a person from a superior. Employee does not know how to react. I wished someone could tell me how to deal with such scenarios. The employee feels threatened and pushed away to perhaps leave the employment simply by quitting the job.
This is another story that I would share but will leave for another time…
Thank you,
Zuzanna
Robin Easton
Dear Zuzanna, This is eloquently expressed. So many good points made here. Yes, for me to have peace with myself I too have to forgive “the hater”. I liked what you said about forgiveness not necessarily changing the past but it can change the future. I think it can take courage to forgive and not hang onto hate or anger. It is often seemingly easier to hate or be angry with another person than to take responsibility for our lives. It can be easier to rant than to talk calmly, honestly and face to face with another person. More intimacy and courage is required when we let go of our rant and have to REALLY connect, talk, open up and share with another person. —As to the work place this could be a hard one and I think different people deal with it in different ways. I’ve work mainly for myself, but when I have worked for someone else I am the sort that tends to address issues head on and will go directly to the source and calmly and politely express my thoughts, but also honestly. However some people will just get to place of peace in themselves and let issues ride. Sometimes this is real and other times it is merely stuffing down the pain/inappropriate behavior and tolerating it. And it can vary for people as to how badly they need the job, what is the most disruptive, what they can tolerate or not, etc. Another time you can share with us your story as it might help others as well. I appreciate you taking the time to share here. You are a wise and loving soul. One who I have learned much from.
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Walter Says:
17 June 2009 at 5:28 pm.
Forgive the dead, let them not torment, and antagonize you from the grave; for they have reaped their reward. Having said that; I think rabbi Robin will approve of rabbi Telushkin’s line of thinking. Forgiveness, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin
The three kinds of forgiveness: The most basic kind is called mekhilah —forgoing the other’s indebtedness— and this is if the offender has done teshuvah. Mekhilah is like a pardon granted by the modern state to a criminal who has served time. The crime remains; the debt is forgiven.
The second kind of forgiveness is selikhah. Selikhah is an act of the heart. It is reaching a deeper understanding of the offender, and it is based on empathy. It might be an empathy for the troubledness of the other, or it might be an empathy rooted in compassion for the other’s frailties. Selikhah, too, is not a reconciliation or an embracing of the offender; it is simply reaching the conclusion that the offender is human, frail, and deserving of sympathy.
The third kind of forgiveness is kapparah, or ‘atonement’, a kind of existential cleansing which is granted by God for sins committed against God when we have confessed the wrongdoing and made amends by fasting, praying, or giving tsedakah.
Robin Replies
Dear Walter, what a lovely and interesting sharing. I had not ever heard of this, not broken down like this and yet I can relate to aspects of each one. I especially liked “Selikhah”. I believe when we can do this it not only gives us a better understanding of “other” but ourselves. We more deeply embrace our own humanity. It can invite us to take a much deeper look at things that we might avoid looking at in ourselves because they are a little too alarming. The places where we may have gone slightly astray and come very close to a certain line in our own behavior, but never fully crossed over that line like the “offender” did. It can be very disconcerting for many of us to look at our “darker” side, even if we only ever touched the mist of it. —I also think there is another forgiveness here that is very similar to your “Selikhah” with the only difference being that it IS a reconciliation and an embracing of the offender. It is something that I have known and cherished. —Thank you much dear Walt; you always share something so unique here, and always something that I had not read or seen. I never know what you will next pull out of your magician’s hat, which makes you very intriguing. 
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Mike Foster Says:
17 June 2009 at 10:15 pm.
Like you, Robin, I don’t feel hate toward others very often. But I do sometimes have to deal with anger, and taking negative emotions and looking for the positive is one effective way of overcoming this. Just today I lost my patience with a situation and immediately regretted it, apologized, but still felt bad. If we can bottle that feeling of guilt or sadness, knowing that it is a direct result of our acting out in anger or other negative ways, then maybe next time we (meaning me) will think before acting and thus react in a more positive way.
peace,
mike
livelife365
Robin Replies
Dear Mike, Wow!!! I have the utmost respect for you in sharing this. I so admire your honesty in talking openly about losing patience, as I’m sure there are so many people who relate to it. I also have to say that you must be under enormous stress moving!! I watched all your moving videos. So I think it’s beautiful that even though you lost your patience you were able to apologize. And I also like what you said about feeling “bad”. Yes, who wants to feel bad? That was one of things I realized in my twenties; any time I “lost it” I was the one who really suffered for it. I was hurting myself. Sure I hurt the person I was around, but he didn’t carry it, which was wonderful. But I was left not feeling good about myself. That was my main impetus for change. I was tired of hurting myself…tired of feeling bad…tired of giving away my power. I ALSO learned the difference between that “bad” and hanging onto feeling hopelessly bad, like I was a bad person and not worthy. I soon got my act together and learned to do the best I could, I stopped “losing it” because it made me feel awful, AND I started embracing the honest mistakes I made…started loving myself…realizing that I was a good person. It really is an empowering thing when we reach a place where we stop reacting and start choosing how we want to respond. Thank you mike, a lot!!
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soulMerlin Says:
18 June 2009 at 7:16 am.
Great post
Robin…..
….Someone I worked with left a message on Facebook recently, expressing sadness that I was still alive. I thought carefully and then sent him a lotus flower as karma. I don’t feel hatred toward him, but…and here’s the rub… I don’t think I would allow him to work with me again.
What he wants is an angry reaction from me…the lotus flower was a slap in the face for him. I could have sent it with that intention, but I didn’t.
His hate will only dissipate if I return the hate to him.
He needs me to hate him so that he can stop hating himself.
The trouble is, I don’t like him enough to hate him, in order to remove his inner hatred which eats at him.
love
henry
Robin Replies
Dear henry, I am sorry this happened. It made me think of how people who feel they are not worthy of love, are not lovable move into the world pushing buttons so that the angry response they get will confirm that people do not love them, hence they are not worthy of love. Many many years ago, I once had someone who I knew very well, say to me, “Why won’t you engage when I get nasty or angry. You’re the only one of my friends who won’t. You just stay calm and kind.” ME: “What it is you want?” HE: “I WANT you get angry back at me.” ME: “Why?” (even though I knew why). HE: If you hate me it will confirm that I’m a horrible person.” Me: “You will have find someone else to confirm that for you. Why do you need to feel you are a horrible person?” HE: “Well, if were to realize that I’m not a horrible person and that I’m actually a good person, then why did my parents treat me so poorly?” ME: “Yes, it can be easier for a child to think they have done something bad or are a bad person (because then they can try harder to be good, there is hope they can ‘fix it’). It is a stark reality to embrace that their parents may be incapable of ‘active’ love. That is a harsh reality to embrace for a tiny infant with years ahead of them, living with beings not yet evolved enough to ‘actively’ love.” He broke down and sobbed. I never forgot that conversation. Thank you for sharing your story with me henry. I think it took guts to do so. AND I am expressing GREAT JOY that you are alive. Love, Robin
PS Where are you on Facebook, I’d like to add you. I don’t see you in friends.
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Evita Says:
18 June 2009 at 10:28 am.
This is outstanding reflection Robin! You gave me a chance to take a time out and focus on how I would deal with it too. I agree with you about not feeling or having others “hate” you or being “angry” with you – I don’t think I have ever felt that someone hated me since I was a child. Perhaps dislike or been upset at, but not hated. As I became an adult I realized 2 important things:
1) I took responsibility and brought consciousness into all my thoughts and actions.
and
2) Like you I realize that we cannot control how another chooses to act or behave. And yes it always does stem out of fear.
So where I find this post so useful now, is that as I write on various health and personal development topics, I realize that no matter how compassionately I say things, or how delicately and openly I try to approach an issue there will be some who just want to speak against it in perhaps a “hateful” or condemning way.
And what do I do, first I let them have their experience. While of course I wish that people were a little bit more open and nonjudgmental, I cannot control how or who they are. But I can control how I respond. And so, at times it may take some serious love, but I do respond with as much compassion as I can, for I know that something within them is scared and threatened, otherwise they would not behave in such a way.
If I come across something that does not resonate with me, I do not put it down, instead I move on, but not everyone can do that – I realize that.
So thank you for this amazing reflection Robin, the personal growth that continues for me from your writing is a blessing!
Robin Reponds
Dear Evita, You are wonderfully earnest. I have often had these same thoughts as I move more and more into the world getting ready for my book to come out. It will resonate with some and not at all with others, and yet others may even vehemently attack it. I think the most amazing thing I can do is make sure I love what do and that I speak what is true for me. I’ve never been the kind of person to tell anyone what is true for them. Life is far to vast and unknown and magical for me to limit myself or another in such a way. —You love what you do and speak only your truth, leaving room for others to speak theirs, which is also one of your great gifts to the world. So you will reach many who are ready to grow. —I do not write to make a point, although I guess many writers do, I write only because my heart compels me to and there are forces moving through me that seek voice. As long as I am true to me that is all that matters. People are fascinating to me, and as you say some feel a need to put an end to or attack anything that does not agree with their belief system. —The other part of that is that I have nothing to defend. I have no need to cling to or defend any ideology or anything I write or speak about. Some people are very very fragile and need to cling to a belief or ideology simply to stay alive, simply to not feel like they are going insane in the Vast Boundary-less Unknown. It literally may be too much for them and they need to feel contained within a structure. So I love then and do not judge them or see them as less than me, and I let them have the boundaries they need. But I ALSO always live and speak my truth. Thank you dear one for such a beautiful ponder here with me.
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Julie Says:
18 June 2009 at 5:24 pm.
Robin, your insights are so true, so valuable to reflect upon and understand—and own. 
Another thing I forgot to mention is that we very often forget that inherent in difficult interpersonal relations, our hurts are simply signals pointing out things we’re to learn. Railing against what we’re meant to look deeply at, to discover within ourselves and gently release and unnecessary is certainly self-defeating! If we look from a different perspective at what occurs, we can gain the understanding that these situations are just as much about US rather than the other. If we put our attention to ourselves, we are automatically not judging another as any “cause” for our discomfort. They are simply the instruments, the teachers, delivering Spirit’s signals to us. Seen this way, these situations are actually very loving experiences!!
Love,
~Julie
Robin Replies
Oh dear Julie, this is TRULY beautiful and wise. It is exactly how I try to look at every situation that comes my way. If I don’t, I miss valuable opportunities for growth, expanded insight and love. This is soooooooooo powerful what you wrote and is a a very fundamental key to rapid evolution and as well as for REALLY living in the moment, really living the journey and not staying stuck in trying to control the world for our own expected outcome. You are just brilliant. This is going to be one potent book you are writing. For me life is ALL about learning.
You wrote: “If we put our attention to ourselves, we are automatically not judging another as any “cause” for our discomfort. They are simply the instruments, the teachers, delivering Spirit’s signals to us. ” Yes, yes, yes, if we put our attention to ourselves, we start to take full responsibility for our lives, our responses and our choices. We become very empowered. We stop fighting and controlling life and start embracing all the opportunities that are coming our way. In fact we open the door WIDE on opportunity. So beautiful my friend. I am grateful you shared this. Just beautiful. Love, Robin
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Tammy-Cricket Says:
19 June 2009 at 1:51 pm.
Who will take the first step? Me.
I know this might seem strange coming from a person that has not exactly had the cards fall her way, but I do always forgive as quick as the “injustice” has occurred. Now to make sense of the “why” of it all is a different story. I can drive myself nuts trying to figure out “who, what , when, where, and why.”
I don’t place blame. My mindset is such that if something has occurred, no matter how bad, it just happened. Why blame? Why throw stones?
I guess this is why I get so confused when people get on the subject of their personal beliefs. Many want to “cast the first stone” which is so wrong. If we would all listen the world does make sense. We are all given our trials and tribulations. I do agree that in childhood is where this begins. We are taught to forgive and just accept things without question. I do believe in questioning because it helps one to understand the “why” of it all.
I have gone full circle with a simple explanation. To me, if I have been wronged then I expect the other party to give me an honest answer to whatever I may need to take comfort. Then, it is up to me to process this and move on. If I cannot get an honest answer then I forgive and let it be. I don’t blame. I just want to move right along. Life is so short. Life is not meant to be wasted.
Many have said that I don’t stand up for myself. I don’t agree. I always make my stance heard, I just don’t argue it.
Lovely, lovely post. I have so enjoyed reading the comments as well.
Love to you Robin.
Robin Replies
Dear Tammy, I tend to be like you. If I’ve been wrong. I have to look at it at and say, “Okay it happened. That’s that. Now, is there anyway I can prevent if from happening again? What can I learn from this? How can I grow? AND I allow myself to clear out any emotions I feel about it with a safe and trusted friend, or simply by myself, so that I am not carrying anything with me. I like to let go of things. When we hang onto anger, hate resentment, and who did what, etc. then we miss out on the present moment. We’re still back there trying to get retribution or trying to undo something that can’t be undone. This is not to say that extreme pain or trauma has to be “just let go of”, no, I think we can explore what happened and if needs be have a professional help us work our way through the pain until we can let go. —-For myself, I find that hanging onto things drains me and is a waste of my life. So I relate strongly to what you are saying here. I think one reason some people can’t understand this in you is that it can take a long time for some people to let go. But I always think of that old saying: “Pick your battles wisely.” Or however it goes…. Yes, life is short and it’s important to not lose site of what is IMPORTANT!! —Thank you for your encouragement and kind words….and I agree the comments here are just precious gems from the human heart. Beautiful hearts. Love to you too, Robin
[Reply]
brainteaser Says:
19 June 2009 at 5:42 pm.
My dear friend, Robin,
Again, what a great post. Indeed, forgiveness is a gift to our self, not to the one we forgive. Your post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes on forgiveness, from one of my fave writers, Richard Paul Evans:
“Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.”
Thank you so much with this post, my dear friend. I so love what I see inside of you.
Much love and respect,
Sherma
Robin Replies
Dear Sherma, It is always so good to see you here. And I know that you understand love and forgiveness deeply. I have seen it in all your writing. You have one of the most amazing souls, so filled with light, innocence, freedom and compassion. —-I just LOVE this quote. I had not heard it before and it so fits. Thank you for sharing it. I will also have to look into Richard Paul Evans. —I want to thank you for your kindness here today and over all the time we’ve known each other. You are a true free spirit. Your generous words bring joy. I am grateful that you “see”. You always do. Much love and respect for you too dear one. Robin
[Reply]
Roger Says:
21 June 2009 at 4:04 pm.
I have followed your writing for some months now and often find it difficult to add more than what your wonderful readers have already said. Perhaps it is an excuse as my life at present does not allow enough time for articulating the response I want to give.
There is no tool more powerful than forgiveness to open our lives to new possibilities. As you so well state, forgiveness is not something we do for the other person. We free ourselves of the burden of resentment and hatred allowing us to move out of the pain and into the possibilities of the present moment.
It took me years to understand how profound a change we can have through the magic of forgiveness. There are always triggers that will try to lure us back into the past but we can redirect them with mindfulness that they are only thoughts.
Jack Kornfield, one of my favorite teachers, once said: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past”. This pretty much says it all.
Bless you Robin for the insight and love you give the world.
Roger
Robin Replies
Dear Roger, What a beautiful, thoughtful and wise comment. I am honored to see you here and very very pleased….especially considering your busy schedule. I like what you wrote about the present moment. Yes. We can become so trapped in the past that we completely miss the present moment, for some people an entire lifetime is lost to the past. I do not judge anyone’s path or choices. However I do encourage myself and others to let go and live. Because as you said in Jack Kornfield’s quote, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past”. That is one powerful quote, one of THE most powerful I’ve ever heard. A real gem. One that I think will be useful to many people. It invites us to look at deeper truths and realities that can often seem too harsh to accept, especially the reality that we can’t undo the past. But we can create each moment anew. We have a whole blank slate in front of us. —-Also Roger, thank you for you very generous and kind words. I truly am honored. I’ve been to your beautiful site and recently added it to my RSS feed. Many blessings. Robin
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Dorothy Stahlnecker Says:
21 June 2009 at 6:46 pm.
Dear Robin, oh I was so meant to read this post as there is a current situation in my family and my heart is heavy worrying that our family will not be able to stay together because of an incident regarding a family member and a terrible ending of a long term relationship (job) in a family business. Therefore reading this was helpful and I’m going to pass this on and hope it will help the person who is hating and hurting. I remember a time where I hated and your right you become more damaged by the emotion and often the person you focus on doesn’t even know your suffering and often worse they don’t care, therefore thank you for being so clear and thorough with your thoughts and possible ways of getting rid of the horrible feelings hate harbors which is nothing but destruction if not controlled and ended. I wish I’d read this years ago perhaps it wouldn’t have taken me so long to come to terms with my feelings.
This article is so good and healing I wondered if you’d like to guest post this on grammology? If so you have my email contact me and send the article with whatever else (your photo) you’d like and we’ll make sure we give you a link and track back.
Blessings to a wise and lovely women..my best Dorothy
Robin Replies
Oh Dear Dorothy, this is simply beautiful, honest and straight from your heart. I treasure it and will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I too wish I’d read something like this post years ago. It is only after much pain, growth and learning that I come to better understand the dynamics of forgiveness, even forgiving someone who is unable to forgive. I learned a lot about the negative repercussions of “keeping score”, “who forgives first, who doesn’t, who did what, said what, etc”.
There is an interesting article about a Native Hawaiian healer who healed whole ward of severely mentally ill patients simply by forgiving them. He never even saw them face to face. At the least the article invites us to think about the possibilities. Here is the link: How Dr Len Healed a ward of mentally ill criminals with Hooponopono.
I am deeply touched by your sharing here and my heart goes out to you with love and respect. Thank you for sharing.
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David Says:
22 June 2009 at 6:47 am.
Divorce is a difficult thing and especially when there are children involved. It requires a lot of soul searching and work in this area. You have to continue having a relationship with someone who you would perhaps not weep for if they died. And then as the years go by you reach a point where you would be sad and maybe even shed a tear. You realize they might have had a difficult life and you were part of the difficult part. You learn about humility and a few other things. You see their expressions and behavior in the children you love.
And you love your children very much. So its much less complicated in the long run to just take the whole pile of negative emotions and shovel it overboard. Let it drift off into the bull rushes and start over again.
I love to focus on things that sparkle and hate does not have that quality. But only when someone has been in my heart and then stopped sparkling do I feel threatened by hate. And that is why Robin is my hero. Because she lets the whole world into her heart and somehow is not threatened by any of it. And she is in my heart and will always be a welcome guest there.
Robin Replies
Dear David, This really moved me deeply. I think it is the honesty in which you shared it. And I think you speak of a human condition that many others will relate to. The sequence that you share about divorce is very poignant and one I’ve heard many people express or seen them go through. —You mention humility. I like that. I think when we can HONESTLY look at and admit our own failings, faults, mistakes, etc. and really see them, AND embrace them without shying away, then we can more easily embrace other people’s mistakes and humanity. We humans are funny creatures. We can be so quick to point the finger and just as quick to forget the mistakes and pain we may have caused others. It really is a very healing and useful tool to embrace and remember our own humanity. We are then better able to understand and embrace all humanity. —And Dear David, I am profoundly touched by your insight into me and your kind heartfelt words. This whole sharing is simply a gift that I cherish. Thank you my very sincere friend.
[Reply]
Sandra Says:
22 June 2009 at 1:10 pm.
Robin,
I was once told that there are four types of people in the world: People who like you for the right reasons, People who like you for the wrong reasons, People who don’t like you for the wrong reasons, and People who don’t like you for the right reason. The last group is the only one that should make us stop and ponder. But we are so caught up in everyday drama that we have angst in our lives as to why we are liked or not liked. If we put the energy into why we are loved, I think that is a better place to be. Peace
Robin Replies
Hey my dear friend, So good to see you again!! I had to read this quote a few times to let it really sink in. Then I smiled as it’s really quite true. And then I LOVE the part that you added about putting our energy into why we are loved. I think one of the most powerful ways to do that is through gratitude, being thankful every day for all the good things in our lives, from food right on down to our friends. So even if someone doesn’t know WHY they are loved, they can still be thankful that they ARE loved, fed, clothed, have a home, good friends, etc. Thank you for inspiring me tonight. I love it. )
[Reply]
Miguel de Luis Says:
22 June 2009 at 1:33 pm.
Reminds me of some of the best episodes from Star Trek, when the captain decides to lower the shields, even though that could put the Enterprise in danger, so to avoid a battle. It takes courage to love in the presence of hate.
Robin Replies
Hello Dear Miguel de Luis, WOW!! So few words but SO powerful. I love this comment. It both made me smile and also go: YES!!! I loved to hear you say how it takes courage to love in the presence of hate. It really does because on a deep level we all tend to fear rejection. I saw that truth many years ago when I started to reach out to people even when they were angry, cold, surrounded with rigid walls, and it took a lot of courage on my part. And yet, I was SO glad that I still reached out and loved. I realized one day that I had to do it for me. If I were on my deathbed I would regret that I had not. It’s made me a better person. Thank you for sharing your Star Trek wisdom here. It is delightful!!!
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Liara Covert Says:
24 June 2009 at 8:52 pm.
As you imply Robin, the universal lessons touch us and we all add a new dimension of light.
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Friday with Friends – July 17 Says:
17 July 2009 at 3:13 pm.
[...] 3. I’ve always seen hate as a secondary emotion, the original or base emotion being fear. I’ve experienced life as two fundamental emotions: fear and love…with various off shoots from these two emotions. In many cases if we can get to the base emotion we can more readily understand what’s really happening. [read the article] [...]
